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It was a cloudy-mid afternoon, and Ash was sitting at her computer, replying to various emails she had recieved that day. She opened napster and searched through her playlist. "I think i'll listen to some Jon Bon Jovi... ya.." She started the song Always, and blasted the volume. "Now i cant sing a love song like the way its suposed to be, well i guess im not that good anymore but baby thats just me.. ya i, will love you, baby.. always... and ill be there forever and a day, always. Ill be there till the stars dont shine, till the heaven burst and the words dont rhyme, i will love you, always..."she sang. "Now the pictures.." she stopes instantly.. a shiver shot down her spine. She looked around her empty basement. 'That's weird..' she thought.. "well there aint no luck in these loaded dice but baby if u give me just one more try, we can pack up our dreams and our old lives, we'll find a place where the sun still shines..." She heard something crash, over in the unfinished basment. She turned down the music and said "Hello?.. uh... is someone there? David? Alison?..." There was no response... Ash's brow furrowed, and she got up and walked into the unfinished basement and in order to make this story seem scarier, she does not turn on the light.
"Helloooooo?" she called out. Still no response. Just then, the door behind her swung shut and the room became completely dark. 'Well... I could go see if the door will open... but im going to assume that it won't... i mean, if i could open it, than this story wouldnt go anywhere right?' So she began to fumble through the maze of boxes until she found a wall. As she reached the wall, she found that she could distinctly hear creepy suspenseful music playing in the background.. 'great. thats just great.' she thought. She followed the wall along until she discovered a break, where there was now, a staircase. 'that's odd, i didnt think i had a staircase in my unfinished basement..' of course, these stairs lead down, because if they lead up then that would just be plain silli. The music that had been slighty in the background before was growing louder and louder, it was building, indicated that something major was about to happen. Ash inhaled deeply... and placed her foot on the first step in sync with the suspenseful music, which had for the record, ended in a loud cymbol crash in a very VERY dramatic manner, and now, there was only an eerie violin solo. Ash began to creep down the long winding staircase, until she came to a flat part, then found a short straight staircase, which she also decended. The second stair case ended and Ash found herself in some sort of stone tunnel. She could not see anything, she was enveloped in total darkness.
The tunnel was long and slimey, and it was slowly, going down. She began to wonder just how deep in the earth she was. After what seemed like eternity, she came to what she figured must be a room of sorts. She continued along the wall, since that was all she had to find her way in the darkness, and then she heard a voice. A very faint male voice was calling to her. "hello?" she asked. "where are you??"
"im iiin tthe waaaaaaaallll.." a shakey dead-like voice answered.
"are you dead?" Ash asked
"Yes... i am. I was murdered and buried in this wall... BY YOU!!!!!!........" the dead body continued to speak, but Ash ignored it, because now, far above her, a faint light could be seen. It was a door opening, and out of it, walked two police officers. There was a staircase leading down from the door and they began to decend. 'wait a minute..' ash thought. 'why does this seem a little familiar...' The door at the top closed just as one of the police officers flipped a light switch. Ash was blinded by the sudden glaring light. When her vision cleared, the officers were in front of her, the staircase and door were totally gone. She could now see everything around her. She was in a large cavern, with one exit. It was a tunnel off to the right, which she was certain was not the one she had come in through... 'oh well.. maybe i should assume this is a horror-movie type senerio.. ya, that makes sense. ok, im living a horror movie. this should be easy then, i mean... ive seen like, every horror movie ever made right? right. So ill be fine.'
"Excuse me, we'd like to ask you a few questions." said one of the police officers.
"Go ahead, i replied calmly." Ash had already realized that this whole body-in-wall police officers thing was running very close to oh so many Poe tales. 'Just keep your cool, dont go crazy and you'll be fine' she thought.
"Where were you last night? and have you ever met Mel Gibson?"
"Mel Gibson? no sir.. and last night I was beinga good litle girl and reading a book. I'd also like to add that you can ask all the questions you want, trying to get me to admit that i buried Mel Gibson in that wall over there, but Im to smart for that, sorry."
"oh, well ok then, thatnk you for your time miss." And with that hte police officers turned and walked away, soon to disapear as soon as Ash's back was turned. It was then that it hit ash. No, not a tennis ball... it was something she realized. If that was a dead mel gibson, then this cavern... must be HEAVEN! (Because when Mel Gibson dies, hes going to heaven and he's here.. so this is heaven.) "whoa.." she said out loud. 'Not really what i expected' she thought, looking around again. There was a small potted plant near one wall that looked like it needed water, and a picture hung on the wall opposite the tunnel. 'At least there arent any tennis balls..' (ordinarily, in a situation like this, a tennis ball would come flying out of now where and ironically smack ash in the face, except that this really IS heaven, and so there are no tennis balls). Ash headed towards the tunnel, and read the small sing beside it... "Exit. Thank you for making Heaven your travel destination" 'how odd...' ash thought.
She headed down the tunnel, which was liyt all the way along... 'this is quite the adventure im having.. but it would be so much cooler if i had some friends with me...'
Eventually, the tunnel opened up into a large room, with 9 other tunnels leading out. Above each tunnel there was a sign. She looked at the sign above the tunnel she had come out of it simply read "To Heaven"
"I guess I was right then..."
"Right about what?" asked niki.
"NIKI? where did you...." Ash looked around, and realized there were other people in this room with her. In fact there were 7 other people... niki, lili, kati, bosco, Chris, Pyle and Z.. and they had all come out of tunnels. Above the tunnel niki had come out of, was the sign 'To Niki's House'.. and likewise for everyone else, except with thier anme in place of niki's.
"Whoa.. hi dudes. How did you all get here?" Ash asked.
"Well, I was wandering around in my basement when i found myself in some dark tunnel.. and it led me here..." replied Lili.
"That;s exactly what happened to me too!" said bosco.
"I think that's what happened to all of us..." said Kati "But why is Ash coming from Heaven? We're all coming from our houses..."
"I think I can answer that..." a mystical voice replied.
"EGGY!!!" everyone shouted. Eggy walked out from the "heaven" tunnel behind ash..
"yes, That is correct, I, God, am here."
"Eggy, why is Ash coming from heaven?" asked kati again
"And why are we all down here in this weird room?" asked Chris
"Why do plastic bags hate me? And why do I own metallic pants??" asked pyle.
"What is the meaning of life?!?!?!" Z screamed.
"Calm down, I can answer all of your questions." replied eggy. The room silence, waiting for Eggy/God's all mighty response. After about 5 minutes of silence, lili finally said "eggy.. uh.. are you going to answer us?"
"hahahaha.. of course not. I said I COULD answer them.. implying that i do in fact, know the answer, but im not goin gto tell you... I'd have to kill you..and now, since this was just a small cameo appearence, I shall leave you... " and with that, eggy floated back into the tunnel and disappeared.
"uh.. ok then. Well what are we going to do now?" asked bosco.
"Well.. I think we should go into that tunnel over there..." said Ash
"You mean that one labelled certain grusome death? Why dont we just go to heaven? that sounds pretty good..."
"Actually, heaven was just a cavern with a plant and an ugly picture... trust me, its not that amazing.. more like a hotel lobby then a paradise..at least there were no tennis balls." Ash replied.
Suddenly out of nowhere.. (Ash isnt in heaven anymore.....) a tennis ball came flying out of nowhere and smacked Ash in the face...
"ow.."
"Whoa... where did that come from? I wonder if that happens everytime someone says the words 'tennis ball'.." said Z. Suddenly out of nowhere..a tennis ball came flying out of nowhere and smacked Ash in the face...
"ow.."
"....tennis ball!.." shouted pyle. Suddenly out of nowhere..a tennis ball came flying out of nowhere and smacked Ash in the face...
"ow... STOP THAT!" Ash yelled.
"hehehehe..." everyone laughed
"grr... its not funny!" ash shouted back.. "shesh...well come on, lets go down that tunnel of certain grusome death.." Ash began to walk towads the tunnel.. and everyone followed.
"I dont know.." said lili, stopping "this certain grusome death thing doesnt sound so good...
"Come one li-anne.. What could possibley happen?" And with that, they all began down the tunnel....
Chapter 2 - A New Hope
(UHG!! ok.. I doubt this chapter is very good, dont expect amazing incredable wittiness ok? This chapter is basically all about these 2 inside jokes that are going on.. but ya, i tested it on lili and apparently its still funny even if you dont get it :)
Ok so i know, this chapter sucks.. but its all leading up to stuff, big stuff none of you know about!!! The plot is top secret (yes, i do sort of have a plot made up for this, well, i have ideas...) and i need your help......
you all have to email me and tell me ur worst fear.. like.. what would your own personal hell be? Do NOT 'reply all' just tell me.. and if ur too lazy to emali, just ICQ it.. cuz i really need to know.. it can be as simple or complicated as you want... oki. now on to... CHAPTER 2... *dun dun dunnnnnnnn*)
(and yes.. every chapter will have a title, even if it's just to throw you off! like "The Death of all secondary characters, the finding of a magic pop can and the realization that it was a ll a dream".. ya so... the first chapter was called "Chapter 1 - Stale Chips and Flat Pop" now u know.. now lets get to the story..)
For 2 hours now, they had been wandering down the tunnel of Certain Grusome Death. At first there was some mindless chatter and crazy jokes. But soon, everyone fell silent as the tunnel didn't seem to be ending. Ash had jon bon jovi stuck in her head.. 'i, will love you, baby.. always... and ill be there forever and a day, always. Ill be there till the stars dont shine, till the heaven burst and the words dont rhyme, i will love you, always...'
"hey guys..." said ash
"ya?"
"Do any of you know that jon bon jovi song.. always?"
"ya.. sorta"
"ok.. well just remember that song then.. cuz for some reason, i feel like its going to have some major effect on our adventure somehow.. dont ask me how i know this.. just a feeling."
"uh..ok ash" bosco said. "psss guys.. i think she's been down here too long, she going crazy..."
"bosco, i can totally hear you you know..im not going crazy, just trust me ok" ash replied.
"we trust u ash... we'll remember. dont worry..." said niki.
"hey guys do you smell that?" said Z.. *sniff sniff* it smells like... like cookies! mmm..."
They all perked up and sniffed at the air.. "You're right! mmm.. cookies! hey, hurry up.. maybe there are some cookies up ahead!" yelled lili. They all ran forward, smashing into each other, the promise of cookies was growing with the smell. Sure enough, they soon found themselves in a huge open area. It was all grass and trees, a huge forest. Around the exit of the tunnel, there was a clearing, and in the middle, a table with a big pile of cookies and a bunch of glasses of milk.
"YUM!" everyone shouted. and they all ran and dug into the big mountain of cookies.
"So this is certain grusome death! i love it!!" Ash yelled. They all happily ate their cookies and drank their milk, some even ventured to dip their cookies in their milk! After eating, Ash slumped down on the ground in dispare, nothing witty had happened in a while. Perhaps her whacky adventure was starting to get boring... but thats when she found the note..
Dear Ash,
First off I'd like to welcome you to the land of Ashleigha. It is here in this incredable place that i hope you will find the adventure you've been craving all your life, I also hope that some of your friends found their way here to, because adventures are always more fun with friends. On top of that, they might have some whacky adventures of their own. I must warn you though. There will be great challenges, I know you and your friends must be very brave if you have ventured down the tunnel of certain grusome death, but bravery will not be enough. You must be strong, you must be wise and you must learn to use the force. On the other side of this forest, there is a swamp with a hut in it. There, you will find jon bon jovi, who is another form of me. I know that might be a little confusing, but you will understand soon. Jon bon jovi will teach you the ways of the force, all of you. Then you can go forth and fight the battle of your lives; you must fight Bill Paxton. It will be tring, and very difficult. Some of you may even die. But hopefully your all 'buddy buddy' enough that eggy will let you come back... There is nothing else that I can tell you, except good luck.
Ashleigh, Queen of Ashleigha
"DUDE. you guys HAVE to hear this." Ash read the letter out to everyone else.
"whoa.. do you know what this means?" said kati.
"what?" asked everyone..
"i don't know!! im asking you?!?" yelled kati.
Then, Ash looked very excited "guys.. we're going to have an adventure.. a REAL adventure! this is soo cool! We're gonna be like story book heros or something!"
"Whoa cool!" said bosco.. "im gonna find me a lady, every hero needs a lady!! There are people here in Ashleigha right? ya...." *bosco goes off into dream land..*
Everyone goes off into a wild crazy dream about the fun and cool adventures they are about to embark upon (no one really paid attention to the warnings...) Except for pyle... "uh guys.." he started... "This could be sorta bad.. I really shouldnt be here..."
"Why is that pyle?" asked Chris.
"Well see.. i sorta... they're trying to kill me! See, I have 7 death sentances on my head here in Ashleigha, if they catch me, they'll kill me 7 times!"
"whoa. pyle... how did you get 7 death sentances on ur head?" asked lili.
"like this: TENNIS BALL"
Suddenly ..a tennis ball came flying out of nowhere and smacked Ash in the face...
"ow.. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT!"
"well they asked..." shurgged pyle..
"well we just have to find this Jon bon jovi guy right? dont worry pyle. no ones going to catch you." assured bosco.
"well, ok.. lets get going..." He looked around with shifty eyes, totally paranoid..
"how do we find this swamp tho... i dont see any paths going through the forest.." commented Z
"I KNOW! we can orienteer our way through!" yelled ash , very proudly. "But we should split up.."
"Split up?" asked niki "do you really think that's a good idea?"
"Sure it is" replied Z "That way it's easier for whatever evil it is that lurks in the shadows out there, to kill us off. I mean, if we all stick together then we'd be safe, and if we wanted to be safe would we have walked down the tunnel of certain grusome death? I think not. Were here for adventure! If we don't make ourselves vunrable, then nothing is EVER going to happen to us! There is nothing that...." (Lulu's speech actally goes on for many many paragraphs here, but the only parts that relate to our story are the parts she said in the beginning about adventure and how they needed to create the circumstances for it. anyways.. Lulu's speech has now been cut short, so I take you to the end...) "...and those are the many adventures of Zorro, who is me. Over copy-right infinity. *and all those other crazy arm actions that go with it...*"
"uh... ya Z... actually I thought that maybe we should split up so they can't kill us all at once, but you do make a good point about adventure, and world polotics, and the theme being realization, and The Concept, and the weather and about Zorro.." Ash said. Z smiled politely and took a slight bow.
"Ok, well niki lili and I all have lots of orienteering experience, so we should lead the three groups" said Ash. (three is always the predecided number for groups when they split up.. it just always happens that way, and even if it doesnt, it does...) "Bosco and Pyle, you guys go with niki, Kati and Chris, you guys go with Lili, and I'll go with Z.
"Pssh! Orienteering? I don't need any help with something easy like that" said pyle.
"Ya, don't worry about us girls, we'll see you at Jon Bon Jovi's house." and with that, Bosco and Pyle strolled off into the trees.
"Uh.. guys. Don't you wnat a map?" asked Kati.
"oh ya.." said Bosco. They guys came back and got the maps which had appeared on the table when they weren't looking, Ash also found some compasses. "Ok, now we're really off.." and with that, Bosco and Pyle strolled off into the trees once again.
"Well, I guess I'll go with Kati and Chris, and you guys can go together then..."
"Ya ok." replied Lili NIki and Z. "We'll see you in the swamp!"
"Bye breadie!" yelled Z
"Bye breadie!" yelled ash while she swiped her nose in a very cute manner...
Ash Kati and Chris began to walk off, with Ash leading. "So dudes.. who is this Jon Bon Jovi?" Asked Chris.
"I've heard of him.." said Kati. "he is the nemisis of Bill Paxton, It is said that the two are doomed to fight throughout all of eternity, contasntly arguing about who is the beter actor.."
"Wait, Queen Ashleigh said that SHE was jon bon jovi in a weird sotr of wasy, didn't she? Does that mean that the Queen of Ashleigha is in trouble? Maybe she needs our help!" ash was getting worried.
"Don't worry ash, this jon bon jovi will train us, and soon we will be able to defeat his Bill Paxton.. we will become jedi, like our fathers, who are all darth vader.." said chris.
"I think this adventure of ours is getting just a little TOO cliche.." started ash..
"TOO CLICHE? theres no such thing as too chilche ash, i think you're just upset that darth vader is your father.." said kati.
Ash (who had forgotten to react earlier due to her thinking about how cliche eveything was getting.. decided to react now...) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *with a twisted face..* It's not true!" And on that long wailing note.. ash, suddenly one-handed.. falls down the big hole and out the bottom of the cloud city thing... and she finds herself dangling, desperatly trying to hold on with the one hand of hers....
"ASH!!!!!" Yelled Kati and Chris..
"i'd give that fall an 8 and a half, not enough stumbling..." said kati rather calmly..
"Ahhh.. help me guys! help me!!!" ash screamed (of course we KNOW she's not going to die right? I mean, she's the main chacter, and this is the second chapter...)
"Hold on Ash! we're going to find a way to help you!!" Kati yelled down
"What happened to your hand?" Asked chris
"I don't know!! It's just sorta... not there!"
"well does it hurt?"
"uh.. no, not really.." ash repsonded. "guys, come one! I cant hold on much longer!" Ash swung there, but heard no response from above. "Guys?.. Guys help meeeee.........*fade out as ash falls to her death*
(Has Ash really died? Will Kati and Chris find their way out of the Cloud City? Will niki lili and Z get eaten by a giant tiger? Wil pyle and bosco get completly lost??? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel.. (come on... u knew that was comming! *smile* )
Chapter 3 - Pumpkin Pie
(Alright. I really dont think this chapter is very funny.. in fact, i think its rather serious.. but hopfeully it's entertaining and weird too... ya, if it's really bad im sorry.. i was listening to music and my mind drifted off and i wrote this. But it's ok, because you all know that the only prupose of this story thing it to give me something to do all day, and to give u something to read when your bored. So hopefully this turns out to be more entertaining than staring at a blank screen, but i don't suggest putting your life on hold to read this or anything... for boredom only!
ok ya. here it, prolly the only somewhat serious chapter of this im ever going to write. And even if it sucks i guess u can still luagh at my feeble attempts to include love in this crazy story! *smile* enjoy!)
*strange dream sequence which no words can describe occurs...*
"wha..." Ashes eyes flutter open, and slowly, begin to focus. "whe..where am i?"
"the lonely towers of long mistakes."
"The Lonely Towers of Long Mistakes? but..who are you?"
"I'm your lover, i'm your zero. I'm your face in your dreams of glass."
Needless to say, Ash was completely confused by this stranger who talked funny. She furrowed her brow and said "Uh.. that doesnt help.."
"i forget to forget me, i forget to forget, you see..."
Then, realization dawned upon ash.. she knew these words from somewhere.. from.. a CD! "wait.. I know you.. your billy, from the smashing pumpkins!"
"despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage.."
"Billy, why are you only talking in lyrics?"
"cause i'm a watcher, and i'm a doer of none, come to save you, cause you're all mine."
"Ok..Well thanks for saving me billy.. wow, ive always wanted to meet the smashing pumpkins, are the rest of you here to?"
"We only come out at night, the days are much to bright, we only come out at night."
"oh.." ash looked at her watch. 11:43 am.. "maybe i'll meet them later then.."
"wanna go for a ride?"
"sure.. but wait, i know we're in the Lonely Towers of Long Mistakes, but how do we get out?"
"thru the empty space, thru the secret places in the heart...."
"look billy.. i know your cool and all, but i just cant understand you!" Ash was getting frustrated by all this crazy talk. She wished that Billy would just make sense already.
"and once again, you'll pretend to know that."
"STOP IT! grrrrr.. i guess I'LL have to get us out of here then.."
"wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come."
"Shesh." Ash sat up, she was laying on a table. "Wow, this place sure does look like a lonely tower of long mistakes." The room was lit with hunreds of candels, and everything was made of stone. On one wall there were skulls stacked up on a shelf, and a dagger sitting next to them. The whole place just looked morbid and VERY freaky.
"...despite all my rage, i'm still just a rat in a cage.."
"you already said that..." Ash looked at him in an even more confused manner than before. Billy pointed towards the door, which was large and metal. Ash walked over to it, and attempted to open it. (of course the door didn't budge..) "I i get it.. you're in a cage, a prison!" billy nodded. "but who put you here? why?"
"I forget about where it all began."
"oh.. i should have known better than to expect an actual response.
"Ash (yes he can say people's names..).. by starlight i'll kiss you, and promise to be your one and only. I'll make you feel happy, and leave you to be lost in mine...
"Billy?" Ash looked at him even MORE confusedly..
"I'll be here waiting for you, i'll be under your stars forever, neither here nor there just right beside you. I'll be under the stairs forever, neithere here nor there, just right beside you."
Then Ash realized that Billy was in love with her (you may all be thinking 'but they just met, how can billy be in love with ash?' well, i told you love was in this story, in a strange screwed up way. Of course that is way billy saved ash, because he loves her. 'How excatly did he save her?' you may ask. Well remember that dream sequence? That wasn't a dream, that was real, but as i already stated, no words can describe it. Billy just saved her... i mean come one, he's BILLY.. the leader of the pumpkins! He can do anything right? Anyways, yes billy saved her, and yes, he loves ash... Just call it fate, but fate only goes so far, and it's not often that fated love is a two-way thing.
"oh my gosh.. uh.. Billy.. im sorry, i don't feel that way about you... I prefer my guys to be.. less depressing? i'm so sorry..." Billy's face didnt move, and no emotion showed through in his eyes, but it is certain that his heart just broke. "can't we just be friend?" ash asked
and for the first time ever, Billy had nothing to say.. no deep response, so he sat there silently.
"Well.. lets find a way out of here ok? You must know how, you saved me right? and you had to get out of this room for that..."
"you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth.."
"Oh.." ash sat, deep in thought. 'leave a peice of youth...' she pondered. "Billy, I don't know how to do that, and even if i did, i wouldn't want to leave anything.." Billy sighed, and walked up to the door, and raised his hand, another of his few happy childhood memories forgotten. The door opened and they walked out.
Billy grabbed a torch of the wall, and follwed ash through the darkness. The air was humid and musty, ahead they could see a light. There was a large room, and on the far side, a door, leading to the outside world.
"Look Billy! an exit!" she could see the blue sky and the clouds out the threshold ahead.
"Ash, i've journeyed here and there and back again but in the same old haunts, i still find my friends. Mysteries not ready to reveal..." Billy said calmly.
"..you're.. not coming. are you billy?" Billy just smiled at her. He didn't belong in that world out there, this labyrnth had become his home, there was no other place for him. "I understand, thank you for everything Billy." She gave him a hug and began to walk across the room to the exit.
Suddenly, a dragon jumped out from a corner and blocked her path, it lowered it's face to meet hers, and growled. Ash stared in silent fear... the dragon raised its head and let out a loud screeching noise that rung throughout the lonely towers of long mistakes.. it beared it's teeth, and prepared to eat her. But once again, billy came to her resuce, jumping onto the dragon's back, distracting it. It clawed at him, tring to rip him off, but all the years of sorrow had made him immune to actual pyshical pain... he swung around and stabbed the dragon in the heart, slaying it. The dragon fell lifeless, and Billy collapsed onto the stone floor.
"BILLY!" ash screamed, running over to him. "..billy.."
"You will make it home ok. I know you can, and you can." he coughed out..
She looked down at him, lying on the floor, breathing his last breathes... He had given her new hope and a new love of life. He had given her courage, the courage she knew she needed to face Bill Paxton, and Billy knew it. "But billy.. do you really think I can defeat Bill Paxton?" She asked, knowing the answer she was going to recieve..
"The indescribable moments of your life tonight, the impossible is possible tonight. Believe in me as i believe in you, tonight."
"Billy.. I'll never forget you and your.. kind words.. of..wise..dom.. ya. that's it. wisedom" ash sturrgled to find the right words. "Billy.. don't die.. the world needs people like you. People who speak with deep words that no one really understands but like anyway. You can't die, there are still pumpkins that need smashing.. still children that need tainting.."
"When you sleep, when you dream, i'll be there if you need me, whenever I hear you sing. There is a sun, it'll come down, i hear them call me down..."
"...billy?"
"...i held you once, a love that once, and life had just begun and you're all i see..." billy eyes drifted shut, and his incomprenhendable words were forever silenced..
Lili, Niki, Pyle, Kati, Chris and Z all appeared in the exit, and rushed in. (bosco is nowhere to be seen...)
"Ash! are you ok??" Z asked, voice quivering.
Ash looked down sadly at Billy.. "yes.. come on guys... lets go we have an evil genuis to defeat.."
"Ash, shouldn't we.. bury him or something?" asked lili wearily
"no... he wouldn't want that.. "
"ash?" asked kati
Ash just smiled, and sang to herself...
Speak to me in a language i can hear
humour me before i have to go...
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i cant be late, suppers waiting on the table
tomorrow's just an excuse away
so i pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
as the blasphmney in my old jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and down again
i know ill make it
love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
and you can make it last, foerever you
can make it last, forever you
and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of this world
i've journyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts i still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies im ready to return
ill make the effort, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
tomorrow's just an excuse away
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you......
(Ok.. I'm going to assume that im the only one who really listens to the Smashing Pumpkins anymore. The last song was called Thirty-Three and is from the album Mellon Collie and Infinite Sadness. If you hadn't already guessed, i was listening to alot of Pumpkins today, sort of like a re-discovered love of thier music (rediscovered from the age of 6 through 10)
That was pretty screwed up.. i look back now, a day after i wrote that and i feel like deleting the whole thing and coming up with a totally new idea. But hey, i guess this will stay in the story, ive decieded that there will be absolutely no editing, or re-writing of parts. Ill simply write them, and that will be that...
And i want to make something clear.. this was NOT a screwed up fantasy or something.. i do NOT have a crush on Billy Corgan.. and i never have and never will..*eeeeeew shudder* so ya.. dont go thinking i do.. Again, I apologize for that not being as witty as it could have been... but hopfully u got some amusment from it.. but hey.. what can u expect me to write about when i have all these silli songs stuck in my head? *smile/shurg*
PS: yes... everything that Billy says in this chapter really IS a lyric from various pumpkin songs... i was THAT bored today!!!!)
Chapter Four - The Death of all Secondary Characters, the Finding of a Magic Pop Can and the Realization That it Was All a Dream
(co-written by Rajrr)
( YAAAAA!! none of u were expecting this were you!!! you all thoguht ithis was just a summer thing didnt u??? well HA! i proved u all wrong!! so there!! poo to you! yes well, kati help me to write this chapter so it should be extra witty! (or at least sarcastic) as well as over dramatic.. because you know its KATI.
dont worry tho, it maybe be not-summer, and kati may have helped to write it, but there are still inside jokes and crazy stuff like that. :)
it should be entertaining.. enjoy!!!)
The 7 friends had exited the Lonely Towers of Long Mistakes and found themselves back in hte land of Ashleigha, amongst the forest and the bright, shinning sun.
"Guys... how did you all get together again? and how did you find the Lonely Towers of Long Mistakes?"
"Well kati and I tought you were dead, and we didn't know what to do, so we coninuted on to find the swamp" Chris replied.
"Ya, and we met niki lili and Z there." said kati. "We haven't actually met jon bon jovi yet, but we did find the swamp. We waited there for quite a while, but Bosco and Pyle never came, we figured it'd be best to go off and look for them."
"and we found pyle, he was sitting on a rock WAAAAY far away from the swamp, it was wieird though, when i looked at my compass, it had a little beepy thing telling us which way pyle was..." said niki.
"Ya, you'll never guess wat happened " said pyle.
"Sure I can, you got lost right? Not like niki lili and Z.. i'll bet you three made it there no problem right?" said ash.
"We sure did." said Z happily.
"No Ash, we didn't get lost, honest! here.. ill tell you what happened..." pyle began...
Bosco and I were walking happily towards our destination, TOTALLY knowing where we were going the whole time (it is doubtful at this point that pyle will ever admit that they really did get lost..) when we entered this really creepy part of the woods, the trees were all dead and the ground was all rocky. Bosco and I decided that we could face any foe or evil that we might come across, so we kept going. After a little while, i uh... sotra dropped the map... and the compass... and well uh.. we weren't lost but... *cough* anyway.. we found a hut thing, there wasnt a swamp but we just figured that maybe it dried up or something.. as we got closer, we noticed that it was a house made of candy! (and we all know pyle can't resist un-healthy food) I think bosco tried to stop me, but i rushed in and started eating stuff. I assured bosco there was no danger and we sat around comfortably for a while. Then this BIG dude came in, I tried to tackle him and stuff, like in rugby, but it didnt seem to work on him.. and i noticed the strange outfit this dude was wearing and recognized him as Personal Trainer. He had this weird tattoo on his arm, it said 'BPS'. Bosco was looking for something to hit him with, but the big dude backed him into a corner, bosco yelled at me to save myself, and me, not wanting to ever be healthy, ran away in total fear. So poor bosco is trapped in a candy house with a personal trainer!!! *snif* poor bosco, what if.... what if he become healthy??!?!?! no one should have to suffer that fate!!! its so wrong!!!!!
(by this time pyle was in hystarics at the thought of someone being in good health, what a horrible fate eh?)
The others pondered pyle's story for a while, (all of them knowing good and well that they had really gotten lost...)
"Well we have to go save him, the personal trainer might kill him..." said kati
Chris looked at kati "but isnt this good? what if bosco comes back like superman or something..."
"ya, won't he be in good shape for the up-coming rugby season?"
"YOU MEAN YOU GUYS DIDN'T GET IT??? BPS stands for Bill Paxton Squad you stupids!" kati yelled.
"oooooooh" everyone said in unison
"ya uh.. i knew that" said lili
"uh huh.. sure" replied kati, rolling her eyes
"well what are we waiting for??? LETS SAVE BOSCO!!!"
The seven of them sauntered off in the direction of the Forest of Pure Evil (which is what the forest that bosco was in is called.. ) they sort of guessed what direction evil was most likely to be in and head that way. Sure enough, they entered a forest where the trees were dead and the ground was all rocky. Ash noticed some music was playing the background. 'i wonder why there is so much music involved in this adventure' she thought. (the answer is of course that the author is constanly listening to music while writing this story, so whatever she's listening to gets imported into the story *smile*) and creepily enough, the song was Enter Sandman...
"Dudes, why is metallica playing..??? im creeped out, this place is giving me weird vibes." ash commented.
"LIKE IN SAILOR MOON??!?!" yelled chris ectaticlly
"well uh ya sure, maybe we've entered the negaverse or something like that..."
"ya uh.. anyway....metal-a-what?" asked lili, they all looked at her sort of confusedly.
*the music procedes with the gutar parts that everyone on earth seems to know how to play*
"My this sounds dramatic... I wish we knew where that was coming from," said Niki.
"It's not coming from anywhere specific, silly," said Kati. "It's just general background noise, adding effect and atmosphere to an otherwise bland scene in the story. Haven't you noticed that yet? Anytime we walk anywhere, the narrator imputs music because she doesn't know what to say. So it's just witty comments and random songs from Napster. Also, this whole plot centres around Jon Bon Jovi. Coincidence? I think not." Kati finished this speach and struck a triumphant and smug pose, having fully disected the nature of Ashleigh's story.
"well gee thanks kati, you've just toally taken the mystery out of eveything. but I guess thats ok, since this plot doesnt really revolve around mystery, as u stated. but we still do have to resuce bosco, so lets proceed." said ash rather stately-like.
Soon they saw the little candy hut in the distance, and kati began to sing about the little rabbit that was getting chased by a hunter. (keeping with the whole music thing..)
Once again pyle could not resist the temptation of something so unhealthy as candy, so he ran ravenously towards the hut.
"Pyle wait! reember the personal trainer!!" yelled niki after him.
Pyle stopped dead in his tracks. "AAHHHH!!!! damn that personal trainer! come on! we have to help bosco before he gets fit!"
(all this while kati has been singing the song, replacing words with mere actions... as she bagan to near the end of the song, someone actually noticed that she was singing this bizarre song..)
"uh kati... why are you singing that?" asked chris.
"Happy we will be... uh? What? Was I singing?" replied kati, totally oblivious to the fact that she was still unconsciously doing the actions.
"What are you...?"
Chris could only stare as kati mimed the cabin, the bunny ears, and the evil hunter man. She seemed to be stuck in some sort of evil miming trance from which there was no return.
"hes got her!! Bill Paxton's got kati!!!" yelled lili. and sure enough, a BPS tattoo had appeared on kati's forehead.
"MWHAHAHA! You fools! You will never defeat Lord Paxton! Jon Bon Jovi is nothing compared to Paxton! He can't act and he CAN'T SING!!! Jon Bon will be defeated by the might of PAXTON POWER!!" Kati began to laugh evilly, and, swirling her cape around her, dissapeared in a puff of smoke.
"Oh no! Kati's EVIL!" said Pyle.
"Well, yeah, actually, wasn't she evil a long time ago? Evil Kati and all?"
"No! Now she's a different evil!' said Niki. "This is BPS evil! She's been taken over by Bill Paxton!"
"Well she did have a really nice cape, I saw one of those featured in Seventeen Mag a while ago, they are SOOO in style right now. those rugby shirt are sooo out!" said Z who mysteriously (YES! THATS RIGHT! IM ADDING MYSTERY TO THIS STORY!!!) hadn't said anything fro quite some time...
Suddenly, Bosco strolled out of the house.
"WHOA B! you look.. *gasp* fit and healthy! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" pyle falls to his knees with the choir singing *justice is deeead!*
"hey, where'd u get the choir pyle?" (there was actually a whole choir standing behind pyle)
"I have a choir?" Pyle turned around.. and saw the choir "so I do. I think I would rather accept this as reality and and not question it to much. It's much easier to go through life accepting things as actual rather than question the existence of everything, epecially in a situation like this, where strange things happen regularly, people's noses are on backwards and nothing is as it seems! *dun dun duuuun*
(and now that pyle's shining moment in this chapter is done with... he won't be mention anymore)
"Bosco, where's the Personal Trainer of Death?? (that was his name of course.. seeing as how he is a personal trainer.. of death and all....)" asked Z
"Oh, he tried to personal train me to the point of death, however, i just got all fit and strong istead and kicked his scrawny ass!!! *tries to give props to someone *cough person that cant be mentioned cough*
but ends up giving props to the air...*
"oh cool.. so if we need someones ass to be kicked you can do it?" asked niki
"ya, well I guess Bosco is the strong one... ash is the leader, kati is the one who really is evil, the only question now is.... WHO IS THE WITTY ONE????" *dun dun duuuun (again)* yelled Z.
They all looked around at each other with shifty eyes of distrust.
Eventually, they all headed off again to find Bill Paxton, Jon Bon Jovi and Kati (to hear more about her highly accurate views of Jon Bon's singing and acting talents, of course).
"You know," said Chris thoughtfully, "I think we should have figured that Kati was evil. I mean, she had so many intelligent insights into the nature of the plotline and mystery of this story, we really should have seen it coming."
"Maybe. But what I really wonder is..." Z looked around at the others... "Where did she get such a stylin' cape?"
And once again they looked around with shifty eyes of distrust, thus effectively ending the misleadingly-named chapter. (sorry, no magic pop cans this time)
(is there REALLY a magic pop can?? will it ever be revealed if it does in fact exist??? do YOU know??? dun dun duuuuun... well be ready, because you never know when chapter 5 will jump out and whack you in the face!! *looks around with shifty eyes of distrust* did anyone notice that it was been a looooon while since ash has been hit in the face with certain small green projectiles that will not be named for safteys sake?? hmm.. something to think about.. oki thats all im out. *chow*)
Chapter 5 - The REAL chapter containg the Magic Pop Can
(hey dudes and dudettes! i know its been a while and it not even CLOSE to being summer anymore, i mean, there is snow and all. But the name of this story will continue to be The Summer Story. Th alliteration is just to nice to mess with :) oki oki. here it is, the chapter you've been waiting for... well... i dunno maybe you have. i know i have!)
The 7 friends (remember how Kati revealed her evilness once again reducing the number to 7? oki, as long as u remember...) had found their way out of the Forest of Pure Evil after having Pyle get them all very lost, by insisting he knew the way and that they follow him. Chris, Niki, Lili and Z led Pyle and Ash to the swamp they had previously discovered. Forcing Pyle to stay at the back of the group, to prevent him from trying to lead, they swiftly found themselves at the doorstep of a small (non-candy) hut.
"Do you think this is it?" Asked lili.
"I guess so..." replied niki. "there can't be that many hut's in swamps can there?"
"let's go in then." urged bosco, knocking on the door.
At first there was no reply, but slowly, someone or something inside the house began to move, the old wood creaking with the shifts of weight. As the door slowly slid open, it revealed an empty room. They walked inside, expecting to find someone behind the door.. but of course, there was no one there. And because it just HAS to happen in a situation like this, Jon Bon Jovi appeared in the doorway behind them, as thought he was outside all along.
"*GASP* its jon bon jovi!" exclaimed ash.
"Yes it is I" replied the great musical master.
"We were told that you would teach us to use the force, so we can defeat the evil Bill Paxton" said niki.
"And defeat him you shall my children, for you see, Bill Paxton and I have faught since the dawn of time, war upon war, battle upon endless battle. Much blood has been shed and many lives lost............
(as i tend to do, I have cut out the irrelevant section of this speach. I will tell you that he goes on to explain the long and boring history's of Bill Paxton and himself, in an EXTREMLY over dramatic manner. Aside from that, he also mentions how he enjoys prime time cooking shows and long scenic walks on the beach with his puppy "sparky". He also question the racial discrimmination presented in the cartoon alvin and the chipmunks, though no one seems to notice it. anyways.. on and on it goes... *14 hours later...*)
"...now, I am sure you have many questions, however, I will currently give you no time to ask them. Now, we must begin your training."
"Alright, we're ready" said Bosco, clenching his teeth and fists "We've got to get this Bill Paxton before he destroys life as we know it!"
"Whoa Bosco, when did you get so incredably passionate about defeating Bill Paxton?" asked Niki.
"I don't really know, I guess I just hate the thought of there being evil in this world.." replied Bosco.
"Bosco's right, there's enough evil already, and we need to save Ashleigha, not to mention that we have to get Kati back!" said Chris.
"Please, children, calm down and let me teach you the ways of the force."
And so Jon Bon Jovi proceeded to teach them the ways of the force. The first thing he did was sit them all down and let them watch the entire Star Wars series, including the ones that hadn't been made yet. These were available to him because hell, hes Jon Bon Jovi and he can do just about anything... anyway.. they watched to moives while munching down on some popcorn which was a little too buttery but had just the right amount of salt. Pyle was really chowing down though, seeing as how exremely buttery popcorn is unhealthy. Bosco, however, decided to knaw on a carrot instead.
"Bosco dude, there is such a thing as TOO healthy..." said Pyle. "tooooo heealthy"his choir sang. (yep, pyle's chior followed him into the house.
"That's it." said Jon Bon, "choir out! this humble hole is too small for a god damn choir!" and with that the choir shuffled outside to wait for another dramatic moment in which they would leap behind Pyle and sing. "seesh. Alright, the next stage of your training is to meditate. You must meditate on Bill Paxton, and you must see yourself defeating him. Do this, and you will win."
"10-4 jon bon!" said Z cheerfully. The 7 of the sat down and instantly went into a deep meditative state, when there came a knock on the door. Jon Bon Jovi rose from his seat and opened the door to find a small white bunny at his doorstep.
"Why hello there Frank, I wasn't expecting you for at least 2 more years!" said Jon Bon
"Ya, my flight was ahead of schedual. I hope your trainees are ready for me now, I can't stay long at all."
"Oh, well I guess we could jump the training ahead a few years. I just got them started on the meditation."
"Well I got 30 minutes here dude. You want me to stay or comes back in uh..." the bunny reached into his pocket (yes the bunny has a pocket) and checked his schedual.. " looks like 53 and 1/2 years.... is that good for you?"
"No thats not good at all, Bill Paxton will have won by then... I guess we'll have to do it now..."
*By now you must be wondering what the hell this bunny is here for. What could he possibley do in the training of these innocent little teenagers? For the answer to that, you'll have to read the next part.... DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!*
"Well come on in Frank" said Jon Bon. " Have some tea and biscuts."
"Well, i'd love to Jon, but I really should get started, wake them up. We'll do tea in 53 and 1/2 years alright? *the bunny writes this in his pocketbook*"
Jon Bon Jovi walked over to the 7 friends and poked at them until they awoke from their sleepy state.
"Well guys, normally training takes a lot longer than this, but i have decided that you are now ready for the final stage..."
"what? well that was easier than i thought... all we had to do was watch star wars and imagine ourselves kicking bill paxtons ass..." said Z
"yes well... This is Frank." Jon Bon pointed to the little white bunny.
"aww... hello there Frank..." pyle bent down to pet the bunny... instead he felt razor sharp fangs digging into his hand. He found this rather painful and swiftly withdrew his hand. "ow"
Frank sat up on his hind legs and began to speak "I am Frank. Do NOT underestimate my power. I am known throught the universe as the Lapin de Doom, in English... the Bunny of Ultimate Undenyable Unbearable Painful Pain.. or BUUUPP if you will. Now you must come with me for your ultimate test."
"whoa. alright Frank, you looked really cute and innocent before, but not im kinda scared of you..." said Ash.
"As you should be. You know not of the power i pocess... Now come, come with me. I shall show you what it is to be afraid...."
(now wasnt that a dramatic ending? who is this "Frank" or should I say "BUUUPP"? and what does he want?? only the next chapter will tell. and only time will tell when that chapter will be written and released.)
Chapter 6 - La De Da Onwards We Trudge
(When we last left our "heros", they were being led by Frank (aka BUUUPP) into who knows what. Let us proceed with our story, and find out who this Frank really is, and what powers he posesses. Let us fumble onward through the challenges with our beloved characters and through the perils and trials, we shall learn more about the characters and about ourselves since we are the characters, and since every story has theme (realization) and plot and deep seeded meaning and such and such. and so, without further ado.. here it is.. chapter 6!)
Frank led them through the swamp surrounding Yoda's.. *ahem* I mean Jon Bon Jovi's house, and through a meadow. After this he led them through another forest, a desert and over a mountain. Through none of this did anyone say anything, which is rather surprising when you're referring to this crowd. Anyhow, they proceded to reach the shore of an ocean and continued to walk into the water and along the ocean bottom. (No, none of them drowned and of course, none of them questioned this, especially not Pyle seeing as he is the accepting type.) It was here, at the bottom of the ocean that the saw something quite extraordinary.
"Is.... is that what I think it is?" stuttered Pyle.
They all gasped in total utter disbelief. "Yes.. I think it is..." said Z.
"But... here? why here?" asked ash "... it doesn't make an sense..."
"how could.... I don't understand" said Niki, looking to Frank for an explination.
"My children, I know it seems odd. But this is true. What you see before is reality... but i must inform you that i did not plan on this, this is not your greatest last test. However, we shall stop here for a moment... I can think of no better place, besides, we have been walking for quite some time."
*by now im sure you're wondering just what the hell it is they saw. I find myself in an interesting position now as the author. Do I tell you what this is, in this little paragraph that I have allowed myself to help explain the plot and situation? Or do I let you sit there in suspense? I am afterall, in total control of this story. At this time, I do not know which would be for the better of the story. and i do not know which would elevate this story to a higher level of literature. So if you'll bare with me, I'll take a minute to think this through. I really don't want to mess up this part, because I have a strict rule of not deleting or rewritting any part that has already been completed. So what do I do? If I make the wrong choice than Im screwed later on. Maybe I don't even have to tell you. Maybe this part plays no other role than that of pissing you, the reader, off, If so, I'm pretty sure I've achieved this by now, by obviously keeping you in suspense by pretending I didn't know what to do. So you see, I wanted to keep you in suspense the whole time! I tricked you! hahahah! My that was clever. I am so very proud of myself. *pats self on back* jolly good. Well, i SUPOSE you've been in suspense long enough, so now I'll tell you what it was. This curious thing that they encountered on the ocean floor was in fact, odo.*
"ODO?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!" SCREAMED Z. *see, she didn't know either* "What the hell are you doing here??!?!" Everyone else was extremly taken aback by Odo's sudden appearence in this story as well, as can be imagined.
"What? I'm not allowed to be on the bottom of the ocean? It's a free country..." said odo smugly.
"Is it? I actually don't know... Hey Pyle.. is Ashleigha a free country?" ask ash
"HELL NO! this place is a damn dictatorship!" yelled pyle back.
"oic." said odo. "i guess I really shouldn't be here then. at least i got my cameo apearence that i was promised though. I guess that's it then. Cya." with that odo readjusted his shiney new yellow visor, hoped into a honda civic, and drove off.
"..nice car...." murmered bosco..
"well that was odd." said lili. "i was always suspicious of that odo... do you think he's part of the BPS?"
"ODO? EVIL? hahahahahahahahahahah!" laughed niki. And with that everyone had a good laugh. odo... evil.... HAHAHAH!...
"well come on then" said Frank "you've had your laugh, and your rest, time to get back to trudging."
"Trudging... we weren't trudging.." they all looked at each other. "we were just walking."
"well you better start trudging now!" Frank yelled "jeez. Didnt I tell you guys to trudge before? Your lucky I dont make you start the whole thing over again!"
"Sorry dude." said Z
"and dont call me dude.. im the Bunny of Ultimate Undeniable Unbearable Painful Pain remember?"
"oh ya..." said niki. "forgot about that bit..."
"shesh, alright, trudge on then."
"Hey ash.." started Bosco "you know what I wish I were doing right now instead of trudging?"
"what B?"
"I wish I were watching Fight Club. That was a great movie. Man, Brad Pitt is so..... uh..."
Everyone stopped trudging and turned around to look at Bosco...
"So.. what bosco???"
"uh.... so... uh... good .. fighting... guy... ya, thats it. So good fighting guy.. heh heh.. shesh come on what did you guys think I was going to say?" Bosco started laughing... "hahaha, you didn't think i was going to say hot or anything? (bosco tugs at his collar) heh heh... that's something pyle would say..."
"WhAT?? hey.. i resent that. He's a good actor, with a nice manly body. He looks good for his age man.. stop ragg'n on Brad Pitt!! And there is nothing homosexual about thinking Brad Pitt has a nice body, i mean come on, I'd kill to have abs like that..."
"pyle... give up the facade man, we can tell... you DO wear metallic pants, your sesntive, you have well groomed eyebrows, you play rugby..... and one of your shirts has the words "i'm gay" on the back." said Bosco
"WHAT?!?!?! I don't own a shirt that says that... "
"Well... uh... you should...."
"Hey wait a minute Bosco... YOU play rugby too..." said pyle raising an eyebrow..
"ya but..."
"and I'm confortable enpough with my hetro sexuality to admit that another male is quite good looking... you however seem to be very uncomfortable with the whole "gay" thing. Are you insecure with your sexuality my friend? Maybe you should see a councellor or something... and hey.. after being with that body building guy you've been wearing alot of pink spandex..."
"... its... comfotrable... and has good movment...."
"ENOUGH GUYS!" yelled ash. "save you gay banter for another time. We have an evil genius to defeat. though I think "genius" is a strech i mean, he's bill paxton... he probably created the evil plot by accedent... either that or someone wrote is out for him, like they write out the scripts from him. not like jon bon who write all his own songs... now there's real talent...."
"can we proceed now?" asked Frank. "If you're all done with accusing each other of being homosexual and proving how much cooler Jon Bon Jovi is than Bill Paxton we really should get back to trudging..."
"sorry frank" they all said in unison.
And on wards they trudged, eventually out of the ocean and back onto dry land.
(first off, sorry guys. I didn't mean to say that either one of you was gay, because i know bosco would take offense at something like that. I know very well that you are both very very straight. but so straight that your... GAY?? dun dun dun... just kidding :) don't take offense at nothing... and don't worry B, we know you don't REALLY wear pink spandex *wink wink* and pyle doesn't have a shirt that says "im gay" *wink wink*
seriously tho... its all in fun guys... hehehehe... no more gay jokes i promise :)
Chatper 7: Fear, Loathing, God and a Steel Cage in Las Vegas
(well its been a while, and it practically is summer again.. soon enough.. then ill have tons of free time to write more of this thing.. i know at least kati will like that. im writing today in order to put off the doing of my JFK project. homework sucks. so im procrastinating. here is goes.. chapter 7.. i have to say that this chapter was originally started while i had a fever of 102 and was orginally title "One Hundred & Two Degrees" however.. i decided that that wasnt really going to work because im writing 75% fever-less and much much later.. so i re-titled it and stuff.. i didnt delete the stuff i had written tho.. except for this little intro thing, i re-wrote this. ta-da! its a little short but whatever!)
They trudged and trudged, following Frank aka BUUUPP's lead. In the far off distance they could see tal dark mountains, which had smoke and lava pouring out the top, thus effectively making these mountains volcanoes in disguise... well.. they werent really in diguise.. but.. ya. shut up. The mountains were fast approaching and everyone was feeling the impending doom they imposed upon the landscape. They were afriad, but had decided to blindly put they're trust in Frank. Eventually, they got to the base of the biggest mountain and gazed up at the frothy firey pit of death at the top.
"Is this our greastest challenge? To climb to the top of this mountain and complete some strange task at the top over the flaming pit of death?" asked Ash.
"No.. " replied Frank "your greatest challende has nothing to do with lava... In fact, this mountain isnt even a volcano. The lava and smoke is just a disguise we put on top of a normal mountain in order to ward off unwanted guests (*mwhahaha i made u tihnk that they were volcanoes disguised as mountains but really its the other way round! hahahaha!*)
"to ward of unwanted guest?..." said Bosco
"Yes, now follow me.." Frank walked over to the wall of rock which was before them, and nudged a small spot on the rock with his cute little bunny nose. (*awwww*) Gradually, a blackish void-like doorway appeared in the side of the mountain. It swirled and swooshed in every direction. And each of them could distinctly feel the fear inside themselves rise.
Frank hopped up onto a small pile of grey twisted knarly rocks and stood there proudly. "You will enter one at a time and face whatever it is you are confronted with. I must warn you, that very few people who go in ever come out. You must face you fears, your own personal hells, and if you cannot overcome that which you find, than you shall be stuck there, in your hell, forever. If are not prepared to face the chance that you might be stuck in hell forever, do not go in. But, if you do not go in, then you must leave... you must leave Ashleigha and this entire world of strange twisted fantasy...you will journey back to reality."
They all stared at the ground, contemplating their lives and what the world meant to them. Were they prepared to perhaps live in their hells forever? But if they didn't go in, than Ashleigha would be overtaken by the evil Bill Paxton, Kati would never be free and everything would die... They all stood there, contemplating this.. and wondering if they had the courage to what they knew they had to....
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*this is the first time ive had to switch scene's but i am.. and for future reference.. this is what it looks like. with the stars and such.. the line of stars means im switching scene's... in this perticular case, no time has passed and we are simply about to find out what is happening at a different place at the same time... so here we go...*
Kati sat in a golden throne looking out at her minions in the court room. There were black trappoings all over the walls of the odl castle and even spaced around the room, were portaits of Bill Paxton, grinning evily. Kati sat there, drumming her fingers of her left hand, while digging a knife into the arm of the chair with her right. She then slowly began to stroke her face insanely saying "cheek...cheek.. cheek.." over and over until one of her minions came up to her telling her that that wasnt good for her.. she then stabbed the guy with the knife that was in her hand, killing him.
"Moronic fool" she said. She stood up and began pacing. "Entertainment!!" she exclaimed. "yes that is what i need.. entertainment..." she exited the room and walked down the hall and into another room which contained numerous steel cages. Each cage held a fighter who looked to be waiting for something. The room was very large and one wall wasnt a wall at all, but a curtain, which Kati proceeded to pull back. Behind the curtain, was a massive steel cage, with slightly rounded walled and inside, was the Rock and Jet Li and they were fighting...
"Jet Li, The Rock.. STEEL CAGE baby!!" Kati yelled "Whoooohoo!"
"No forgivness!" said Eggy, who walked up behind her.
"Oh hey God, come to see the fight?"
"Ya, they've been fighting since we put them in there tho... do you think anyone will ever win?"
"Probably not.. i mean.. its Jet Li and the Rock."
"ya..." said eggy. "well hey, hows that epic battle thing going with bill paxton and jon bon jovi?"
"Its going ok.. I think we're going to win if those meddling friends of mine dont get in the way.. Lord Paxton has given me orders personally to dispose of them.. he's not taking any chances this time."
"alright.. well i have to go make a statue cry now.. fill me in on the cage action when i get back.."
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"I'll go." Bosco said firmly. They all stared at him and he looked around to each of them. "I'll go. I'll do it. Ashleigha is doomed if we don't do this guys.. we have no choice..." and with that.. he walked straight into the black void doorway.
No one had said anything.. no one could even think of a witty joke or turn-a-phrase. They just stood there and stared at the door, wondering if Bosco would come back out. Two minutes past.. then five more. After ten minutes, Frank's head sank and he said that Bosco had been in there too long, and would not be coming out.
"Come on B... come on! you can make it out! the rugby team needs you!!.. we need you! COME ON!" pyle screamed.. and his choir behind him, sang a quiet song of sorrow.
"b..bosco is gone?" said Lili. "forever?"
Just then, they heard something from inside the void. There was a tense moment.. and then, out strolled Bosco! "Guys... I.. my god..." was all he could say. Then he went and sat down in a corner with his head down. He was obviously scared out of his mind.
"Bosco, no one has ever been inside the void for more than 10 minutes and not been lost to it.. but you, you made it out..."
"I guess it's my turn then.. " said Pyle.
"Hey pyle, be careful man..." said bosco. Pyle gave a sharp nod then entered the void. He came out eight minutes later, with the same frightened expression that bosco had had. He didn't say anything at all just walked over and sat down beside bosco.
Chris went next, she walked in confidently and came out soon after. One by one they went in, and came out fear-stricken until only Ash was left. By this time, Bosco, Pyle and Chris had totally calmed down. Niki and Z were still looking kinda woozy but were getting back to normal. Lili had just gotten out and was still shriveled up in the corner. Bosco Pyle and Chris looked at Ash and she just looked away.
"Guys I... I'm not sure I can do this." she said.
"Don't worry Ash, you can do it.. just go in and face your fear.. conquer it." said Bosco.
"I.... i cant..." they were all silent. "I'm sorry guys, i just.. don;t think I can do it... I'm sorry." she looked at the ground.
"Then you must leave." said Frank.
"What?! but shes our leader!" said lili, piping up from the corner.. "we..we cant go on without her!"
"I'm afriad you must. You are all strong enough, you have beaten the void, you have been through your hell. There is no place for weakness on this journey. You must leave now Ash."
Ash looked at her friends quickly, then turned her head away in shame and began to trudge off, back towards the ocean and the swamp and eventually, to the tunnel they had come from and back to her house. They watched her leave until she was out of sight. Then Frank told them that it was time to start moving again. "I will take you to theTwisted Forest of Fruitopia and from there, you must comtinue your journey on your own. Let us go."
They began to leave the place of the hell-void, trudging off in a line down a hill. Niki who was last in line, stopped at the top of the hill and looked back towards the ocean. "......goodbye Ash.."
*.......................... why the hell am i taking myself out of the story????................................
i..dont know.... hmmmm.... well keep reading to find out.... next chapter coming soon!*
Chapter 8 - I'm The Queen of France
(i really suggest you dont ask about the title.. if you dont already know then dont ask. really.. hehehe hey kati... im the queen of france!! *whacky arms* Silly hats only... and my spoon is too big.. im a banana... wellt hats that. this chapter needs no introduction.. if u dont remember how the last chapter finished off too bad.. read it again (because u all save all the chapters riiiiiiight?) or if u dont do that.. then just go check the site http://www.jonbonvspaxton.freeservers.com .... this chapter is fairly short. in fact is very short. but it ends so dramatically that i just couldnt send out more after that... sorry :)
With Ash gone, our heroes felt disheartened, but knew they must continue for the good of existence. Frank had led them to the Twisted Forests of Fruitopia and once he had set them upon a path, and given them general directions he bade them farwell and was off on some other appointment. Bosco, Pyle, Lili, Niki, Z and Chris marched on alone down a dreary foot trodden path. All around there were boulders and tall dark twisted trees. A sharp, screeching cry sounded nearby, but it was impossible to tell which direction it came from. They came upon forks and turns and twists, following the directions Frank had given them, they chose their route carfully, not letting pyle make any decisions at all.
Darkness approached, hunting them over the horizen, and they came upon one junction, where there were 4 options, and none seemed to be able to remember which way to go. Frank hadn't mentioned a junction like this at all and they were totally confused.
"I say we take the one on the far left" suggested Z.
"Why?" asked Bosco.
"Well it seems non-dreariest i guess" she replied.
"They all seem dreary dudes... and they all look the same. In fact, I spun around looking at the so many times, I don't even know which path was the one we just came down!" said Chris.
"aw dude..." said lili. "what are we going to do?"
Niki looked around, unsure of anything. The screeching hadn't stopped and in fact other strange noises were starting now. Odd howls and cackles. The forest seemed to spin around them. She looked at all the paths, trying to find some identifying marks of some kind, but they all looked damn identical. In fact, she turned round and round examining the paths and seemed to have forgot where she started. She thought there had only been 4 paths in front of them before, but now she couldnt tell where she had started examining in the first place. She spun around and around until she got dizzy and fell over. Pyle immediately remember what fun spinning was so he spun round and round too, laughing wildly the whole time until he too fell over. It took all of 37 seconds before the whole lot of them were sprawled on the ground in dizziness, struggling to become oriented again.
Mist crept in on the from all sides as they lay there in the now dark forest. It was heavy and warm and one by one, they closed their eyes and went to sleep.
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*THUD* ....... Ash tripped over a barrenly exposed root, as she walked through the woodt. She was back in the area where they had met Jon Boni Jovi what seemed like ages ago. She slumped on the ground for a minute, before propering herself up a bit. Inside, she was being eaten up by fear, guilt, shame and hunger because she hadn't eaten since that one plate of cookies they found in the beginning of the story.
"I wish I had some food." she said out loud. She sighed. "I wish I had some courage too. But no, I just run away and leave my friends like that. I wouldn't be able to help them anyway." She shuddered at the thought of being stuck in her own personal hell forever. "How did they face that?" she thought. She shook her head and stood up slowly. Then began to walk again, very slowly toward the clearing and the Tunnel of Certain Grusome Death which they had originaly come from. Her head hung low and she walked on, filled with shame as the sun slowly sank into the ground and she decided to stop and sleep for a while.
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That night, they all dreamed horrible violent dreams. They thrashed and clawed at the ground as the slept. Niki was the first to wake, sweating and screaming. She jerked up and found herself standing in a clearing alone. "What... where did eveyrone else go?" She looked around but no one was there. An errie feeling filled her and she felt very unsure about this clearing. something wasn't right at all. The sun had just risen and it cast a beam on a nearby sign, nearly blinding her. When niki went over and read it, it said "Evil this way --->" and pointed to a path beside it. Niki looked around one more time, but she was totally alone. She feared that something terrible had happened to everyone else, so she ran off down the path, determined to save her friends and the world.
Similar senerios occured to each of the friends, they woke up in some strange feild, cave or cliff edge and found themselves totally alone. After a while, each stuck off to find the others and save the world. But for Ash, who woke in the same place that she had fallen asleep in, but with a heightened sense of fear. Pain welled up inside her and she paniced. Her friends were in trouble. Something was very very wrong and she knew she had to help them. she spun around, expectingsomething but she was still alone. She ceased turning and faced the far-off rocky tower containing the hell-portal, which was being swallowed by the vast distance between her and it. Then... she ran.
(dun dun dun)
Chapter 9 - The Wrath of Late Night Tag Games
ok so its been a while, but here it is! chapter nine finally! not only am i here sitting in front of my computer writing it, but kati is beside me... possibley writting it as well! what do you have ot say for yourself kati? "Well I'm not actually writing it. I'm just sitting here. And you spelled 'possibly' wrong, and 'to'." Why thank you kati. i shant correct it tho. anyhow.. on with the show...")
Ash was running, as you might remember from the last chapter, when she was also... running.... If you do not remember, the last chapter ended something like this: "Then....she ran." That's about it. Now do you remember? Good. Me too. Me of course being the narrator. So ash was running as we have established. And that was all.
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While Ash was running, Niki and the others were gradually gaining on evil getting ever closer to its point of origin. Bosco found himself dashing through a sand-dune filled desert. His shoes were getting heavy with the sand. (it was building up in his shoe.. yuk) so he decided to take them off. As he continued to dash, determined to find the evil and save everything.. he found that the sand was burning his feet. He jumped high and tried to avoid it as much as possible, but gravity just kept pulling him back down. The sun was getting hot on his back and head. His black hair absorbed more heat than anything else. His throat grew dry and he began to pant. Burning... burning... it was so hot now. "Geez, its got to be.. over 100!" said bosco. With sweat pouring down his face, he slowed a bit, stumbling here and there. Suddenly, to his left, he heard strange sort of.. evil laughing noise. as if someone or something was saying "mwhaha". "My god, what is that?!?!" said bosco. "it couldnt be... no... here? in the desert?" But poor bosco was right.. and as he turned to his left his eyes and mouth were agape for he saw the large floating face of Bill Paxton.
Elsewhere, Z found herself in a similar situation: she was all alone in a strange place, and no matter how hard or how fast she ran, she could not come any closer to her goal. Ahead, she could see a lake, with a small boy, but she couldnt get there. She kept running but never got any closer. The boy waved to her. And she tried to wave back. She threw her arms in the air and flailed them frantically and yelled as loud as she could "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!". With that done, out of the water behind the boy, rose a grotesque creature. It opened its mouth revealing strange white texan teeth that had eaten many a steak. It smiled crazily with eyes wide open. The boy screamed. Z tried to run and save the boy, but she couldnt get there. she just couldnt!! she could do nothing but watch, as Bill Paxton swallowed the boy whole, grinning. Always grinning.
Similar situations occured to all the other characters not mentioned yet... and as i often do i will not describe them all to you as they are all exremely similar. With the giant Bill Paxton head floating around and freaking everyone out. His maniacal laughter haunting them until they found themselves shrinking into a fetal position, eyes slammed shut. When they opened their eyes they found they were before a great pyramid built of rock and grit, raised by slaves tortured by the BPS. Atop the pyramid, a giant bust of bill paxton sat. and upon the bust, a stately raven.
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore".
With that said, the friends ventured into the pyramid, determined to find and defeat bill paxton for the first and last time. Fear was not an option and they mosied right in. Bosco grabbed a toch off the wall and led the way. "Guys, this is it. This is bill paxton's fortress of evil. In here, we are going to have to fight the BPS, conquer any foes, confront kati in some sort of final duel and eventually, kill Bill paxton himself. "
"We can do B..." said pyle. "if we pull together. i mean, weve faced our hells, our greatest fears.. we can do this."
"We have to do this." Said Z.
The path they trode on was very dark and winding, but soon they saw a door ahead.. a strange metal door and on it, there was an inscription. It read: Through this door is the final test before confronting Bill Paxton and saving the world.
"fitting." said chris matter-of-factly.
"Tru dat" quoth Z. With that, Z stepped forward and the strange metal door swished open with a strange whoosing sound with a kind of syntheziedness to it. On the pther side of the door, lay.... The Bridge. *in case your not a nerd... "The bridge" refers to bridge of the USS enterprise in star trek.* They walk in and take their stations, Niki begins to plot a course and Pyle begins laughing at everyone. The door they had just walked through opens again.. and Victor aka Bones walks in. "Dammit! wheres jim?!!? and Spock?? Dammit Dammit."
"they apear to be missing, and i believe bosco should take the helm." Says george di.. i mean niki...
Chris walks over to pyle and joins in with the snickering.
At this time, a call comes through... Alanna pops up and answers it. "Captain, theres a warbird approching. They're hailing..."
"On screen" says Bosco.
Kahn pops up on the screen. " So Bosco, we meet again for the first time for the last time. I have always thought that revenge was a dish best served cold. And its very cold.. in spaaaaace."
"No Kahn! its me you want... take me! spare my crew!" says bosco. Kahn pauses to consider this.
"Alright Bosco, we will take you and spare your crew. You have, 2 minutes to say your goodbyes.
"Bosco... no! We can defeat kahn! dont go! we need you to fight bill paxton!" said Lili
"Kahn is too powerful guys... dont worry, i know you'll beat bill.. and... this way you'll all be able to live on... goodbye everyone... it was a pleasure and an honour, to fight this ledgendary battle by your side.... Scotty... beam me over...." Bosco was enveloped by a strange multi-coloured distorting effect and disappeared. Kahn, still on screen clasped his fist in a triumphant manner. Now you are mine! We shall take you to Ottawa where we will force you to carve ice sculptures and skate on the riteau canal! MWHAHAH!"
The warbird flew off, taking bosco with it to Ottawa.
"No BOOOOOSCO!!!" everyone yelled.
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Elsewhere... Ash felt a shift in the force, and knew Kahn had taken Bosco away... She let out a blood curtling scream.... "KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!!!!..... KAAAAAAAHNN!!!!!!" and the earth shook with the might of her scream, and she ran even harder than before.
(Im on a role now, so ill probably keep writing more of the next chapter. hopefully that wasnt to short for all you fans.. if you want to be on the mailing list lemme know eh? ok. good. that wasnt too hard, i think i might write more in the future, that was fun. fun fun fun. jolly good. ok im off to write more now.. but u dont get it yet. im going to horde the future chapters like i used to, i would write them ahead of time and release them slooowly.. mwhahahahaha)
Chapter 10 - The One is Transporting Ghosts of Mars to a Lock, Stock Snatched Mean Machiene
(Now, oi apologize, because this chapter wasnt in moi original plan for this thing, however, oi feel it must be added.. after an intense weekend of Jason Statham movies. Thanks to this venture of mine, oi find myself completely thinking in a british accent. As oi type this, oi read the words with an accent. oi cant help it. So oi ask all those readin to read this chapter with a british accent if it is within your power. Oi wont be putting the accent in the writing, for simplicities sake (well i might slip into it.. like "oi" or "yew" , but please folks, british accent. In case yew didnt know, the title 'a this chapter is composed of the titles 'a movies that Jason Statham 'as been in. Oi believe oi missed only one movie of his, some gangta thing which he had a small part in that oive never seen. anyhow.. here it goes.. the british chapter! and if yew recall we left our stars in a giant pyramid with a bill paxton head on top. )
With Bosco gone, the friends (ive lost count of how many are left) left the bridge and resumed their search for Bill Paxton. There were long winding tunnels to which there seemed to be no end. of course, there was music playing in hte background, but it was some strange 'eavy metal or sumthing, and no one really liked it very much. So they wandered around aimlessly without conversation and without wit, the situation was much to serious for that. After quite a while, they saw a faint light ahead, and sure enough, they came out into a large room.
"Be on your toes chaps, yew never know when sumthings goinna jump out at yew." said lili.
"Bloody right." said pyle affirmingly. Across the room, there was a shadowy door which came to Z's attention. "Ey, look at this.. a shadowy doorway..." And jus as she said that, an evil laufgh emulated from the shadowy doorway. Slowly, and extremely dramtically, Kati stepped out form the labyrinth of dark. ".....mwhahahahahaha..." she grinned "Oi welcome yew, to the Pyramid of Paxton Power, please, follow me into this dark shadowy roon where oi can reveal all my evil plans tew yew." She beckoned them with her hand to follower her, and follow her they did.
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Ash had taken a nap, as she needed a rest from all of her yelling, but had now awakened and felt a refreshed sense of urgency and quickly began towards the mountain again. It grew taller and taller in the distance, untli finally, it wasnt in the distance anymore. In fact, it was right in front of her. She let out a long heavy sigh, and shuddered at the memory of the hell portal. She wandered round the rocky base of the mountain until she found the swirling void. "Oi've goit to save my friends" thought... "Oi've got to save the world.....but...." Jus then, the sky above her opened, and the giant head of Jon Bon Jovi looked down on her, formed by clouds... "Simba... yew have forgotten me... you have forgotten who yew are, and so forgotten me. Look inside youself Simba, you are my son, and the one true King... remember....remember......" The face faded out back into the sky and blended in with the non-speaking clouds. "Wait..... Jon Bon... what the fuck does that mean???" and the only reply was a faint "remember...."
Ash exhaled heavily again, and stared back at the portal. "Oi think..." ash pondered" that Jon Bon was trying to tell me that oi've got'a go thru this 'ere portal now and stop being such a bloody coward. And yew know.. he's right. It's time save the world!!!" and with that, Ash lept into the portal to face 'er fears.
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The friends all followed Kati into the shadowy room and sat down in black leather chairs.
"So what's htis bloody plan of yours then...get on with it" said chris.
"Bullocks if im gonna tell a bunch of sodding heroes like you! Now where did I put my gun?" she yelled manically as metal straps shot out of the leather chairs and wrapped around the hero's wrists and waist locking thme in the seats.
"You bloody bastard!" screamed niki. "Thats not 'ow it's supposed to work! You're supposed to trap us, tell us the plan and then plan an elaborate death which we escape, then we foil your plans which yew've conviently told us, and then we look smart and yew look stupid."
"I dunt think I like that idea, so I dunt think im going to tell you my plans, nor am i going to kill you in some elaborate way. Im going to shoot you, jus as soon as oi find my bloody shooter." She looked around the room, flipping up piles of paper and turning over chairs. "I mean, I know this story is cliche, but my god people... dunt you think that would have been going jus a bit too far?... Bullocks! Where is that gun? Stay right here... ill be right back..." she said.. pointing at them and leaving the room.
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Ash was surrounded by a swirling pruple void, with shiny stars circling all around her. She felt herself moving exremely fast but saw herself going nowhere. Completely disoriented and in incredable pain, she got spint out on a soft grainy surface. As her eyes fluttered open, she noticed she ws laying on sand. She lifted her head, and right in front of her, she saw a giant pyramid... the one with the bust of Bill on the top. Ash sat up and crab-walked backwards in horror. "My god... " she said "its Bill Paxton's fortress!" She stood up on shakey legs. "So this... this is my greatest fear." she said... ".. Bill Paxton" Ash stepped forward and cautiously into the pyramid. There were three tunnel to choose from, one to her left, one to her right and one straight in front of her. "I guess oi'll work from left to right" she said. And head down the tunnel to her left. It lead to a small room, with a single candle in the middle on an old wooden table. By the table there were teo chairs containg people. They were Paul and Trent Reznor and they were having the strangest conversation.
"Look, Trent... I'm telling you, he ignored all those beautisul women he was surrounded by. He only payed attention to his battlecat and the rainbows which floated over his head."
"I dunt care paul! I'm gonna tell yew for the last time! He-Man.. was not gay!"
"uh.. guys..." ash said.
"Oh hey Ash, what do you think? Was He-man gay?" Paul asked.
"Of course.. with all those rainbows and morals.. but wait.. shouldn't yew guys be discussing something a little more serious and dark? I mean, you're sitting in the eeriest bloody room i've ever seen, both of you looking all evil and pensive.. and your discussing He-man's sexual prefrence?"
"Yew know she's right paul, guys like us, we should be having a philosophical conversation about the universe and human nature and all that." Trent said.
"Ya.. your right.. thanks ash, we'll get right on that. Cheerio!"
"Cheerio Pual... Trent." Trent nodded and Ash headed back to the tunnel, but stopped suddenly and turned around.. "'ey Paul, yew know where bill paxton is?"
"Bill Paxton? ne'ver 'eard a him."
"Awright. Thanks anyhow." and she went down the dark corridor and turned down the next tunnel, previously reffered to as the center tunnel. This one was much longer and much darker and far more winding. "Dammit oi can't see a bloody thing." ash exclaimed in frustration.
"'ey.. was that a bri'ish accent? Who's out there??" a voice came from down the tunnel.
"First.. who are are?" asked Ash carefully.
"Oi'm Jason Statham now who the fuck are you?"
"Jason Statham!?!?!! Holy shite! Oi'm Ash... "
"Ash... 'ey oi 'eard a yew.. Billy Corgan said yew were on some quest or sumthing.."
"Yew knew Billy?" Ash asked surprised that the incredable Jason Statham would know the also incredable yet depressing Billy Corgan.
"Whell, he came to me as a Ghost whilst oi was on Mars. He told me yew were trying to save the world?"
"Yes that's right."
"You know, oi'm an action star now, with my new moive the Transporter out and all. Oi'm really quite good at the whole kicking ass thing. Yew mind if oi tag along? Maybe oi could help yew..."
"Sure! Common, Bill Paxton must be down the third tunnel!" Ash exclaimed.
"Bill Paxton?!?! Is that who your fighting? I fucking hate that bloody bastard. My bullocks could act better then him. Oi'm gonna kick his fucking ass!" yelled Jason.
They ran out of the dark winding tunnel into the light and at the enterence of the third tunnel.
Ash turned around to see if the man she was wiht really was Jason, and sure enough it was. And.. he was taking off his shirt. "uh.. Jason?"
"What? I cant very well fight if oi've got a shirt on now can oi?" Jason replied calmly.
"Oi'm not complaining Jason.. you're a sexy bastard you are!"
"Why thank you Ash, oi used to be an olympic diver yew know..."
"Well lets go, now that yew've got your shirt off, we've got to go find Bill Paxton!"
(So there you have it. oi hope yew read it in the accent suggested. I somtime slipped into typing the accentinto the words, but i tried not to make it to heavy. Hope you enjoyed it, its a lot longer than the last one i sent out. i notice my writing ability seems to going downhill, but i dont perticularly care. i care more about getting the plot moving at a non-slow pace and trying to keep the ball of the story rolling. So there you have it. If yew dont know who Jason Statham is, you fucking suck. Theres a picture of him on the website. He fucking kicks ass.. and if yew havent seen the transporter go do so. Ill be going now.. how u got some amusment from that.)
Chapter 11 - A Chapter Containing Even More Swearing and Bri'ish Accents
(Well, it's the next day now, and I'm still thinking in Bri'ish, especially because I jus watched Snatch with Kati and Mark. 'owever, oi'm going to try to not write in Bri'ish so much this time cause oi'm worried oi confused people last time. Obviously some people, like Jason Statham will continue to have an extremely thick accent because well... he's bri'ish. I also realize that oi swore a lot more in the last chapter than oi ever 'ave before. I apologize to all those who are easily offended by that sort of thing, and oi'll try to keep it down in this chapter but once again, oi've been watching a lot of movies with a hell of a lot of swearing in them so its infecting my brain. If the cursing is appropriate to the character it will be there, ie. Jason Statham or me.. or kati. We all swear a lot, but I'll refrian from having lili say words like "fuck" because its just not 'er." Kati is co-writing this chapt wif me, she'll be writing 'er parts and oi'll be writing all the others. So here we are, I have no fucking idea what im gonna do with this here chapter, because oi have no inspiration, Mark is on my computer playing HoM3, Kati is playing Super Smash Bros and oi think my brother is playing the game with Mark. I'm jus sort of sitting here in the middle of this writing on my laptop. Maybe when kati's not busy oi can get 'er to write 'er parts, because she understands her wit better than I do. And I think she can do a better job of thinking of threats and things that she would normally do. Now I'm not forcing you to read this chapter in the accent, as oi did last time, but if yew want to, the grammer is there and so is the vocabulary. So feel free to read it anyway yew want, translate it into latin if you feel moved to do so. And now that oi've filler half a age with this nonsensical rant I'll move on to writing the next chapter 'a the story.) ~*AZYIH*~
Kati was quite angry. She had misplaced her favourite weapon, DESERT EAGLE 5.0. Yes, you heard me. 5.0. Not .50 like all those other wussy handguns. What does it say on the side of YOUR gun, eh? I bet it's something like REPLICA. So fuck off.
But back to Kati. For the life of her, she couldn't remember where she'd left the gun. This caused her to be quite distressed. She wandered the fortress of Bill Paxton, muttering to herself and cursing in a slightly British accent, all whilst heading for..the INNER SANCTUM. Yes, that's right, the Inner Sanctum, the most highly-defended and secretive area of Bill Paxton's lair. It was there that Bill Paxton, the most sinister and evil force the world has ever know, made his evil plans. And it was there that Kati was headed.
As she drew closer, she reached corridors even more heavily lined with burly guards, all armed to the teeth. The BPS guard were angry and trained to kill. Really, there were only two ways to reach the Inner Sanctum; either gain the trust of the Dark Lord himself, or defeat all the guards in glorious one-vs.-many-hundred combat. However, Jet Li was off in a steel cage, battling the Rock, so there was no way he would be able to break in. Yes...Bill Paxton had everything under control. Surely there was no greater action star than Jet Li, and certainly none as sexy. Therefore, he would always be safe. Mwahahahhahaha.
Kati walked easily through the masses of guards, now and then raising a finger to touch her cheek. Eventually she entered Bill's Dark Office of Evil, where the Dark Lord of Evil was sitting in his Dark Swivelly Chair of Evil, making Dark Notes of Evil on his Dark Notepad of Evil, and eating Kraft Dinner(tm). He looked up. "Ah. Kati."
"'Ey, Bill," Kati said, flopping down into a chair on the other side of the desk. "'Ave yew seen me gun?"
"Well where did you last put it?"
"Oi can't remembah. I think I shot summun wif it."
"A reasonable guess." Bill paused, then pressed on. "Ah...Kati? Why are you speaking in a British accent?"
"Oi fink Oi've been watching too many Guy Ritchie movies. Oi 'ear 'e 'as a new 'un, but 'e put 'is woife in it, and in the postah she's making out wif some guy on the beach. I dunt wanna see that. Tha's Madonna, man. She's old. I dunt need to see 'er making out on the beach wif sum chap. Tha's jus' wrong. I wish Guy Ritchie would go back to making movies about Bri'ish mobsters and diamonds and boxing and rifles. Stuff loike that. I don' think Jason Statham is even in the newes' 'un. I's jus' not worf seein', in moi op'n'on."
There was a long pause.
Kati's eyes glazed over. "Yeh know whot Oi really need? Knoives. Big, fuck-off shiny 'uns. 'Ey make less noise. 'E less noise 'ey make, the more likely Oi am to use 'em. Shows Oi mean business. Guns fo' show, knoives for a pro..."
Bill, who was more or less used to this by now, went back to taking Dark Notes of Evil. "You do that. Just make sure the prisoners don't leave here (obligatory dramatic pause) alive!"
They laughed. Evilly. Sort of like this:
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
And so on. I'm sure you get the point.
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Ash and Jason were galloping through the third tunnel, very set on kicking Bill Paxton's ass. Jason looked down to the ground and noticed there were a lot of footprints on the ground where they were trodding. "ey Ash, oi think they've come down this wey. Look, fresh tracks. If we're lu'ky, they might not be tew far off." Jason noted. He looked on ahead "common then Ash, this wey..."
"Ey Jason.. I ought to tell ya, this 'ere is my greatest fear, this whole fighting Bill Paxton thing. Oi know oi'm supposed to be saving the day an all, but oi aint exactly riding in on a white horse 'ere. In fact, oi'm scared shitless. Oi'm gonna 'ave to confront Kati, and the rest a the BPS an then, Bill Paxton himself."
"Dunt worry Ash, oi'm 'ere. Oi'll 'elp ya get through this. Remembah, oi'm an action star AND oi'm bloody sexy. Sexier than any of those non-bri-ish action stars by far. Hell oi'm prolly sexier than Sean Connery was in 'is day. So wif me at your side, you aint got nothin to worry about. Hell oi even got my shirt off."
"Oi know Jason, thanks for coming wif me."
"No problem, it's an honour to be aiding you in this quest 'a yours. And by the wey, if yew 'appen to see an barrel 'a oil laying around, let me know."
"Barrels 'a oil? Whatev'er for?"
"Well for fightin wif 'a course!"
"Ah, shoulda known that. Sorry"
Up ahead, there was strange futuristic metal door. "Now what the fuck is that?" asked Jason.
"Ey those are Star Trek doors if oi'm not mistaken. Watch, yew walk up to em and they'll go 'whoosh'." And sure enough they did, revealing The Bridge, which Viktor and Alanna were still on. (remember of course this isnt a bridge as in a concrete arch over a waterway.. this is a bridge as in the main place of action on a starship.. specifically, the Enterprise)
"Dammit Jim! THERE you are!" Viktor said cinically.
"Jim? Does 'e mean yew Jason?" Ash asked puzzelingly.
"I dunt think so, oi've ne'ver seen this 'ere chap before..."
Viktor walked up to Ash and pulled at her arm. "Come on Jim, where the hell have you been? Kahn came and took Bosco away."
"What? Bosco's gone?!" Ash recoiled in horror.
"Kahn took him to Ottawa.. dammit."
This new troubled Ash greatly. Her friend.. Bosco.. was gone... "DAMMIT! Its my fault.. if oi 'ad been 'ere..." she fell to 'er knees and hung 'er head in sorrow. Jason walked up to 'er and put a hand on 'er shoulder.
"If yew were 'ere he prolly would 'ave taken yew tew. There was nothing yew could 'ave done if yew were here. It's not your fault." Jason tried to console her. He turned to Viktor then, and said "Ey yew, 'er other friends are still alive right? An they're still 'ere?"
"Dammit, Yes.."
"Where'd they go?"
"They went down that way dammit. Off to go kill some god damn super villian."
"Awright then.. Ash? It's time to go..."
Ash stood up slowly with an angsty look on her now furrowed brow. "E's threatened Ashleigha, 'e's a horrible actor, e's got that stupid 'ick accent, e's from Texas. E's taken away my friend Kati, and now, E's made Khan take Bosco away from me. E's not gonna take away anything else from me! DAMN YOU BILL PAXTON!" and she smashed the ground with 'er fist.
"Come on Ash..." Jason 'elped 'er stand up and looker 'er squarely in the eyes. If there was a camera... it would have zoomed in dramatically on his face... "Its ass kicking time.."
****************************************
As Ash received a pep talk on the Bridge of the Enterprise, Kati prepared for carnage. Of the killing type. She was in a large, white room, with no discernable walls. Trinity just happened to be there as well.
"You know," Trinity informed Kati, "Nothing like this has ever been tried before."
Kati paused to consider that, then gave Trinity a confused look. "Whot? A Dark Evil Overlord tryin' t' kill off a couple 'a prisoners, in order to bring extra angst t' tha hero? You're fucking kiddin' me, roight? It's been tried at least once in ev'ry decent fantasy story, and in most sci-fi stories too."
"So what do we need?" Trinity asked, as if the previous comment had never been said.
"Whoy does Bill keep payin' yew, eh? Yer bloody useless, yew are."
Trinity said nothing, just waited.
Kati sighed. "We need guns. Lots of guns."
The shelves of guns appeared with a WHOOSH. Kati took some, then looked around. "Alroight. Now we need knoives."
Trinity blinked at Kati, as though the words were in a strange foreign language. And not computer language either, because she lives in the Matrix and she's a hacker and so on, so she probably would have learned all of those. Maybe a dead language, like Latin, or perhaps something cool like Gaelic.
"Ah, fuck it," said Kati, and shot Trinity in the head. "Yew were always an unnecessary part of that movie anyway. And now," she continued, addressing the Matrix, "am Oi gonna get some knoives? Or is summun else gonna haf t'get shot inna head?"
The guns vanished. A much more convenient storeroom, housing all sorts of weapons, appeared.
"Tha's much bettah." Kati went to a convenient closet, and switched into a nice, flowing trenchcoat, perfect for billowing in windy situations. She then ran down a checklist of all the other things she needed. "Roight. Guns, check. Knoives of the fuck-off shiny toype, check. Goldfish crackers, check. Doves, check. Rose, check. Miscellaneous religious artefact, check. Oi think Oi've got everything...good." Her eyes narrowed and a twisted grin crossed her face.
"Time for a showdown."
(so there it is. Chapter 11. which i painstakingly held onto and wouldn't let any of you read. Niki almost go to read it on wednesday.. but no... kati's read it, because she wrote it. i like this delayed release stuff. mwhahahahaha it makes me feel evil. So until next time.. GO LEAFS GO!! WE'RE IN OVERTIME!! 2 to 2.. my god.. AAAAAAAAAAAHGHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!! SCORE DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!! ..dammit.. ended in a tie.....)
Chapter 12 - It's Almost Climax Time....Or is it?....Yes, it is.
(Ah the suspense! can you feel the climax coming?!?!?! I hope so.. because itis! i dont know about you, but I really wanna know what the hell is going tohappen next.. so i'll just skip my usual long intro babbeling and get right intothe story!)
Jason and Ash had left behind Viktor, Alanna and the bridge and found themselve sonce again wandering down a winding dark tunnel (geez theres alot of those inthe story eh?) and along this dark winding tunnel, there were various cave-like inlets along the walls in which various people sat. These people, were all thepeople who the author promised cameos too.. Ragu and Sam were sitting in one inlet, play a strange pool-like Indian game and Ragu seemed to be kicking Sam's ass. Ash paused for a moment, and proceeded to cheer Sam on screaming "Come on Sam! Score!!" But she had little time to waste as so very much was at stake andshe had to leave this rousing game of Indian pool in pursuit a an ultimate showdown.
With the shirtless Jason in tow, the raced down the tunnel trying to think of any other people who still needed cameos. Since none could beremembered at the time, they continued on until they came upon a strange door.This one wasn't of the whooshing variety. It was more of the "puzzle you must solve to open" kind of door.
"So what do we do now?" ask Jason.
"I guess we try and solve the puzzle..."
Jason looked at her for a minute, looked back at the door, then back at Ash."Ey, what puzzle is it that you're trying to solve? It's a fuckin door. There's no inscriptions, there's no symbols. There ain't much there at all now isthere?" He looked back at the door again "It's a bloody door. It aint got nohandle but it's still a just a bloody door."
"Look Jason, this is a test of intellect, we've got to try and figure out the puzzle" "Well we ought to find out what the puzzle is first then... cause all oi see isa fucking door."
"Will you be quiet for a minute Jason? i've got to figure this thing out."
"Ey, is it jus me, or is your accent going away?"
"Ey I think it is. I've got a bit of it still, but its mostly gone. I guess the British Movie Syndrome (BMS) is clearing up. But let me get back to the puzzlewould ya?" Ash stared at the door, which really was looking like a normal average door now. "hmmmm" Ash reached out her hand and touched the door. As she did, a strange gold writing appeared in Elvish.. "Ack" Ash said and jumped back.The writing disappeared.
"Oh oi get it." said Jason. "It's loike in that book... we got'a throw it intoa fire and it'll reveal a message."
"How are we going to get the door into a fire when we can't move the door?"
They puzzled this until both of their puzzlers were sore. But then, Jason thought of something he hadn't before. "Maybe.." he thought "Christmas doesn't come from a store... Maybe, perhaps, it means a little bit more..."
"uh.. Jason, that's great and all... but... the door?"
"Huh? Ah yes.. What oi meant to say was.. Oi got a match 'ere, maybe we can usethat to see the writing."
"Oh, good thinking Jason, lets do it." Jason pulled the match out his pocket and lit it by striking it against thestone wall of the tunnel. He held the lit match up near the door and the goldelvish writing appeared once more, but this time, it hung around long enough forthem to read it.
"I can't read this." said Ash. "It's in Elvish. Maybe I could read it if it wasin Gaelic, but not Elvish. Dammit."
"Dun worry. Oi can read Elvish." Jason peered at the writing while Ash looked on, very impressed.
"My god Jason... is there anything you DONT do? I'll bet you even have a watermelon, a lip stud and a bow tie hiding somewhere."
"Well, actually..."
"Nevermind" Ash interrupted.. "we'll get to that later... right now I need youto tell me what that door says."
"Awright." said Jason with a sly smile. "But oi ought to let yew know.. the bowtie's got spots.." He looked back at the door and then looked back at Ash confusedly. "Ash, this 'ere doesn’t make sense... "
"What does it say Jason?"
"It seys.. 'Why does a chicken coup 'ave tew doors?" Jason looked back at herwith a furrowed brow.
Ash's face lit up because she realized she knew the answer to this riddle. "I know this!! I know this!!!" Ash screamed.
“Well then…” Jason gestured for her to answer. Ash, standing up straight with her head lifted high, proudly said : “Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.” And as those words were spoke, the door swung open and let them pass. “Ey Jason, Z must have been by here and told her joke to the door, that’s the only way itcould ever have known a crappy joke like that.”
“It was quite a crappy joke” said Jason “Your friend must ‘ave ‘ad a strangesense ‘a humor.”
“Ya she’s a little weird. You should here the one about the open toed shoes…”
“Lemme guess… it’s a frog pun?”
“Yep.” Ash shook her head and decided to focus on the quest once again, forgetting the strange jokes of her endangered friend. “As warped as her humoris we’ve still got to save her.”
The tunnel came out to a large cavernous room, which was half encased inshadows. Ash was about to step forward into the room, but Jason put his arm out and stopped her, then stepped forward himself. He looked from left to right, scanning the room. Then out of the shadows, stepped eight angry looking guards. Jason looked back at Ash and gave her a nod. “I’ll take care of this, you gofind your friends.”
Ash nodded “right.” And she bolted off around the outskirts of the room towardsthe door on the far side. A few of the guards started to move towards her.
“EY!” yelled Jason. The guards whipped back around to face Jason. “Over ‘ere yew bastards..” Jason then proceeded to grab a barrel of oil and splay it allover the ground.
The BPS guards were angry and trained to kill. Jason knew he was going to have to defeat all the guards in a glorious one-vs.-many-hundred battle. Jason had incredible confidence in his action hero status and was positive that now that he was covered in oil that he was the sexiest action star ever and therefore noone could ever beat him. He of course, was right and proceeded to kick some serious ass. Bill Paxton’s previously thought-to-be undefeatable BPS agents had been squished like the bugs they were by the new almighty action hero, but we’ll pretend that this battle took a little while because Ash was doing things meanwhile. I the narrator will now take you to what Ash was doing while Jason was kicking major ass…
Ash had slipped out the door on the far side of the room while the guards were busy getting pummeled by Jason Statham. This room was shadowy and dark. Ash fumbled around on the wall for a light switch and to her surprise, actually didfind one. She flipped it skyward and glaring lights came on overhead. Aroundher, were empty black leather/metal chairs.“How odd..” Ash commented. She continued to examine the chairs and decided that it looked as if hostages had been in those chairs not long ago. As she studiedthe metal and leather contraptions, out of yet another shadowy corner, quite possibly out of a hidden doorway, a BPS agent slunk around the edge of the room up behind Ash. He was stealthy and silent, and tip-toed right up behind Ash, and slowly held up his outstretched hands, holding a thin wire which he would use tostrange poor unsuspecting Ash.
BAM!!!!
………. Ash turned around to see Bryan McCabe standing behind her, fully decked out in hockey gear and a BPS agent laying on the floor writhing in pain.
“Bryan McCabe?!?! Did you just hit that guy and save my life?” Ash questioned. She was actually quite shocked because she wasn’t expecting any hockey players in this little adventure of hers.
“Ya, he was gonna strangle you, and since Jason is tied up kicking ass in theother room I skated in and hit em.” Bryan said bashfully.
“Wow. Thanks McCabe!”
“All part of being a Toronto Maple Leaf… it was nothing at all… really..” Bryan glanced to his left. “I’ve gotta go now… I have to try and whip this leafs defense into shape.. but if you need anymore help just yell, Domi should bearound somewhere. He’s good at kicking ass…well, he is kind of old now, and notas good at ass kicking as me… but unlike me, he’s on the fourth line so he doesn’t have to worry about going to practice since he’s only on the ice forlike 5 minutes a game.. if you’ll excuse me…” Bryan gave her a nod and skatedoff.
Ash stood there for a minute then looked at the ground. “Wait a minute… how the hell did he do that?! This is a dirt floor, and he was skating… what the hell?!?!”
“Yew should know not to question these kinds ‘a things by now Ash, especially when its some random lit’le detail loike that.” Jason, still shirtless and nowoil-covered stepped into the room.
“Jason! You kicked their asses?”
“You’re damn roight oi did. Now what happened here?” He looked at the nowunconscious BPS agent and the leather-metal chairs.
“Well the BPS guy was going to kill me, but Bryan McCabe hit him for me andthese chairs, they looked they’ve recently held hostages. Now the only hostagesthere could possibly have been here would be my friends, but I can’t tell ifthey escaped or… killed.”
Jason put a consoling hand on her shoulder. “Oi’m sure they’re still fine, jus look, there’s no blood on those chairs. We’ll find em. Well, actually…” Jason’seyes shifted to the floor. “Actually yew will. Yew’ll find them.”
Ash gave Jason a questioning look.“Yew… as in without me.” Jason said slowly.
“What?!?! Jason what are you talking about??!?!” Ash got frantic when she heardthis.
“Yew see, people didn’t really think it was fair that oi was ‘ere ‘elping yewfight. This is your quest Ash, you’ve gotta do the end bit by yourself. If oi gowith yew from ‘ere on, oi’ll jus get killed, that’s the wey these thing work yewknow. Besides, Guy Ritchie jus called me up whilst oi was in the other roomthere. ‘E wants me to do another movie with him. Yew know it’s gonna be a greatmovie. And jus think, in a year or so, yew’ll get to see that movie.”
“Ya.. I guess I can’t keep you from making more amazing movies with Guy Ritchie.” Ash glanced up at him and smiled. “And it is kind of unfair for me to have an sexy action star like you on my side."
Jason smiled back. “Oi’ll be seeing yew.”
“Bye Jason.” With that, she ran up and hugged him “Thank you.”
“Anytime…. Well, except for right now of course. And don’t worry, if you really need physical ass kicking power Oi ‘eard Byran sey that Tie Domi’s around somewhere. Yew’ll be fine.” Jason smiled one last time then turned around and walked back into the room he had kicked ass in.
Ash turned dramatically to face the shadowy corner where the BPS agent had crawled from. For the first time in a long time, music drifted up from the silence. It was an R.E.M song that went something like this:
You come to me witha bone in your hand, you come to me with you’re hair curled tight, you come tome with new positions. You come to me with excuses, ducked out in a road, youwear me out, you wear me out. We’ve been through fateful breakdown self-hurtplastics collections self hate self pain, yes, psychics. Fuck off. I wascentral I had control I lost my head I need this. I need this. Hot lights,wanted add, crazy what you could’ve had. Its crazy what you could have had, it’scrazy what you could have had, I need this. I need this.
All the while this song was playing. This song of course was very appropriate to the mood in a musical way, it wasn’t like an up beat dance number or anything. It was a soft guitarsong with light drumming and emotional vocals and of course, zany R.E.M tambourines and random guitar wails, because without those it just wouldn’t bean R.E.M song. So this song was playing as Ash stepped forward to face theshadowy corner where the BPS guy had come from. As she stepped into the shadowsshe discovered a -gasp- hidden doorway.With the song still playing, she stepped through the doorway and down astaircase into a clean cut stone tunnel (unlike all the other tunnels in this story thus far which have all been rough earthy tunnels). Another differencebetween this tunnel and all the others was that this one had a constantlyvarying horizontal level. It kept going up and down and up and down as well as twisting left and right. However, this tunnel really wasn’t long at all, at least in comparison to some of the other tunnels Ash had already been down inher adventure, and she soon found herself in yet another room. This room, like the tunnel, was different because unlike the other rooms, there was absolutely nothing in it. There were no shadowy corners, hidden doorways, plants, nopictures hanging on the walls… nothing.
Nothing, except for a scowling pissed off looking Kati, bearing big fuck-off shiny knives in either hand, and a twisted inhuman grin.
(Whew that was a long chapter. 3 and a bit pages...aint ya proud? People were complaining that chapters were coming to be too short these days… not like the early chapters which were all 3+ pages. I will not apologize for the length ofany of the other ones though, because I’m very happy with where I ended most ofthem and how they were all suspenseful at the end. So there you have it. 3+ pages of chapter 12 bliss. ITS ALMOST OVER! But you didn’t need me to tell youthat right? I’m just warning you. And now, I’ll leave you… with this thought. “Germinal.” I apologize if you don’t get that… but I can’t explain, sorry.)
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Chapter Thirteen: A Snowdown, A Hoe-Down, Watch out it's a Showdown!
(so i waited a little while before getting this one out to the masses. i was up to a rate of releasing one chapter a week and i though i love writing this thing, i felt that was too fast. There jsut wasnt enough suspense for you. however i also decided that is i wait to long the suspense will wear off (as i suspect it already has) In such case a suggest you go back and read the last chapter. Go do it. Do it now. If you dont have it handy you can find it on the site. If you remember the gist of it, just go back and read the last paragraph or so. hehehehe. excellent. There. Feel refreshed? me too. so heeeeeeere we gooooooo!
just one note. in this chapter there might be alot of things appearing inside of *'s. Those are song lyrics which add to the moment.
One more request of you. If it is at all within you power. Play the song Weapon by Matthew Good Band while reading this. IF you have to download it its worth it because its wikkif. Kati you should have it right? at least one person will read this properly. at least for the first little bit anyway....An odd request but i find it adds to the chapter. ok thats all.)
Ash stared across the nearly vacant room. Stared hard at her friend and she saw the insanity and darkness twisting in her eyes. Ash took a step back. "Kati, what's happened to you?" Kati said nothing in reply but her smile widened and the insaity seemed to intensify. The tensity of the moment rose as music drifted into the scence. It was Weapon, by Matthew Good Band. As the guitars went strumming, and Matt Good went-a-singing, Kati slowly reached down into her pocket.
"Kati. Listen... Kati! Can you even hear me!?"
"I hear you." said Kati still reaching into her pocket.
"What have you done with the others?!"
"They're... safe." Kati began to laugh maniaclly and out of her pocket, pulled a frenzy of doves. The doves fluttered around the room, swirling in a mass of white and feathers, but somehow, in slow motion...
*Here by my side.. an angel... here by my side...a devil... never turn your back on me.. never your back on me again... here by my side its heaven*
"Kati.. I... I dont want to fight you..." Ash stuttered, disoriented by the stunning birds. Kati proceeded to reach again into her pocket, this time pulling out her miscellaneous religious artifact which was in fact a church.
*here by my side you are distruction... here by my side... a new colour to paint the world*
She walked up the steps and entered the relic through a creaky wooden door. Ash slowly followed. Inside, she was surprised by even more doves flying around inside the church and kati standing by the opposite wall. Kati pulled out some goldfish crackers and threw some to the side. The doves chased down after it and sat complacently on the ground eating. Lastly, Kati pulled back her trench coat, and drew a long fuck-off shiney knife.
*Never turn you back on it... never turn your back on it again.. here by my side its heaven...*
"You dont really have a choice now do you Ash?" said Kati, stroking the knife calmly. "If you don't fight me, your friends will die, and Bill Paxton will win. Of course, if you do fight me, you will die, and Bill Paxton will still win." she let out a chuckle.
*.. how it makes you a weapon.. and you give in.. and you give out...*
Suddenly the doves took flight, and circled the room. A shadow appeared by the left enterence.
"Hahahaha... " Cowboy snakeskin boots clicked across the floor, their spurs jingleing and clanking on the tile. Bill Paxton strolled into the room and tipped his hat to Kati. "Good day little lady."
"Lord Paxton.." Kati bowed.
"BILL!!" Ash screamed... her nemisis was there in plain view, in the flesh and for the first time on this adventure, fear rushed through Ash, real fear. The fear of realization. Because this was it. Really and truly it. And she was all alone.
Ash took a step back, wondering if she should run... maybe.. regroup herself and think of some better plan then charging in on danger head on. She looked around. All alone. She didnt know what to do.
"Kati.." said Bill, still moseying around... "i think you should get to it, we've let Ash have her fun, galloping around on this silli little quest of hers. Its time she was disposed of."
"Yes Lord Paxton." Said Kati reverently. She stepped towards Ash, knife thrust outwards, pointing at her frightened face. Ash shook when she saw the sword in front of her. She had no weapons, nothing to defend herself with, somewhere deep inside she thought that maybe it would never come to this. That she would never need to really fight. But now the moment was upon her. She look from the sword to Kati, and saw the blood lust in her eyes.
"Kati... " she started. But kati lunged at her with the knife, just missing her left arm as Ash jumped to the side.
"Kati!" Ash yelled. "Dont do this!"
Kati lunged again, and again, Ash dodged.
"We we're friends... those people you're holding hostage...they were your friends too!! Kati don't you remember them?! All those good times? Laughing until we cried, joking about our moms, teaching you how too cook?..." Ash looked at Kati with hopeful, teary eyes.
Kati lunged and this time, Ash wasn't fast enough.
She fell to the ground and a locket bounced out of her clothing. She had a sharp wound in her right arm. The blood trickled down and cried from her viens. Ash, kneeling, looked up at Kati, full blown in tears.
"Kati... why are you doing this?"
Kati looked down at her. "Because Lord Paxton is the rightful ruler of all and he will take his place and must destroy all who stand in his way."
Ash looked down at the locket on the ground and reached for it with her good arm. Upon touching it, it opened and began playing a slow and woeful tune. A tiny light circled around inside it and it shone brightly up into the air and made the room glow.
"...please Kati, it's me, Ash.. I've come to set you free again, just like I promised..."
Kati caught in the trance of the locket's song, stood frozen with knife in air, unable to bring it crashing into Ash's skull.
"KATI!" Bill Paxton shouted.. "What are you doing?!? KILL HER!!"
Kati gritted her teeth, the knife shaking.
"Remember Kati... " looking up with her teary glowing eyes.
The knife fell limp in kati's hands, then it lowered. "I... I remember..." said kati slowly.
"All you have to do is touch it!" Ash said enthusiastically. And Kati reached out dramatically to the locket, listening to the sweet chimes of the song and mezmorized by the dancing light. her fingertips hit the cold metal of the locket and a wave of magical light overtook her body. The knife dropped, and Kati fell to the floor.
Ash, now clutching her wound again, looked down at the now normally coloured Kati.
"..A....Ash?" Kati glanced up "..thank you... i am free... "
"I know Kati... I know..." Ash smiled at her.
"Aw, how touching." said Bill Paxton sarcastically. "Thats so sweet its giving me cavaties..." he mumbled. And while Ash and Kati were enraptured in their moment, Bill formed a giant ice spear with his mind and sent it hurteling towards Ash.
"Noooooo!!!!" yelled Kati, who reached into her pocket and pulled out the rose she had remembered to bring, and flung it at the ice spear, shattering it into a thousand pieces. The rose sailed on through the air and embedded itself deep into the chest of Bill Paxton, drawing long oozing trails of blood. Ash watched as Bill melted down into the floor. "You havent seen the last of me..." he cried painfully as he disappeared. When Ash turned back around, she was shocked to find and injured Kati laying there.
One of the ice shards had found its way into kati's left shoulder.
Ash ran to Kati's side in tears. "Kati! You... you're hurt..."
"Dont worry about me now, our friends, they're out in that icey field round back of the pyramid, that's where Paxton is headed...." she coughed out.
"Paxton? but you got him with the rose.. isnt he dead now? He melted into the floor!"
"it'll take more than that to destroy evil... you know that Ash. *cough* I... " she cringed in pain "Go save them Ash, im sorry for..."
"Kati, come on get up.. we'll save them together!"
Kati just smiled up at Ash... "thank you Ash, for setting me free..." and with that, Kati's eyes drifted shut, and her body fell still. Ash stood up and faught the tears, stumbling as she did, and with her only source of strength, being that she knew she couldnt let her other friends die too, she pushed her shoulder back, lifted her head, and ran after Bill.
(perhaps a bit anti-climactic? but thats ok, because its not the climax, this si still before the FINAL final battle. This was a mini-battle leading up to the major one. And for anyone who recognized what i was parodying there it was probably not anti-climactic at all. sorry to everyone else, live with it. Be prepared.. ONE CHAPTER LEFT!!!!! and ill tell you now, this final chapter is NOT i repeat NOT begin emailed out. if you want to read it u'll have to go to the site!!!!! MWHAHAH! I will give you the exact date and time of its release though... until then, you'll have to wait though... )
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